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산하엽 - 김종현
It's 5am
It's snowing outside I'm on my desk Reading my notes for the 4th time now I live for the little joys Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Toiled 1:11 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Another quiet day
A very Merry Christmas to everyone.
May today be a day full of adolescent wonder and adventure.
A day without worry.
A day of hope.
A day of joy.
Merry Christmas.
---
We reminisce of the days past.
May today pass too.
And one day I'll reminisce of today.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Toiled 2:53 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
So what makes dreams
Is it some random neurons firing signals which we suppressed during the day?
Or is it something a lot more prophetic? How do we know? Why do we dream? I hope we find out someday! --- I woke up from a dream in cold sweat again. It's been a long while since I've had this kind of a dream. You know the feeling of disappointment that creeps in with time. (Time is a healer, yet it's also a killer.) When you know the deadline is near but each rational calculation simply ends up with the same result - No time. But you go headstrong, because you need to think positive. Positive thoughts, happy thoughts. But you're already poisoned with the thought of failure. --- Rejection. On to the concept of rejection. I think we get so many highs and so many lows. But despite the numerous peaks and troughs in life, each rejection carries so much more inertia. Weighed down, it's painful. --- Meh, but life goes on. Time goes on. And it'll heal. And even if it kills. It'll heal the wounds it slashed open. --- Mmm, I think I know what this feeling of loneliness is! I think it's mainly negative emotions, which ultimately culminated as loneliness, which I've come to accept as my biggest fear. This negative emotions stem from boredom I think, like I haven't stepped out of my comfort zone, taken risks blah blah. Meh, will change soon anyway. But at what risk will I take the risk? Saturday, December 23, 2017
Toiled 7:56 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Eh
Because the silky white covering the ground is such a delicate sight. It's still mesmerising to me. Will they come to me like the first snow? Friday, December 22, 2017
Toiled 7:42 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Lonely on top
Recent suicide makes you rethink life a little bit.
I think no matter how much we "succeed", it's ultimately relative. Our success need not equate to our happiness. Nothing can really replace this will to live. Sometimes, maybe it's better to just be ignorant. Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Toiled 9:45 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
BST
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Toiled 8:11 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Feeling Bored
I have a lot of work, but you know you reach a certain point where you get so easily distracted.
So I decided to just put things off and just do... my thing? I don't really know what my biggest strength is, nor my biggest flaw. I came to realise I'm a little pessimistic, cos I only remember the bad dreams. But then I like to believe in the good in people. But I tend to fear bad outcomes, more so than most people I suppose. That makes me want to work hard, and change for a better person. But at the same time I'm embarrassed to show people my flaws, my weaknesses. So I tend to be quiet, aloof sometimes. Hmm. Friday, December 15, 2017
Toiled 5:08 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Twisting and Swirling
They say that god moves in mysterious ways. I woke up today to see the gentle snow lapping the college accommodation grounds. I was giddy like a school girl, rushed to get my friends and head out. The snow was thick, my shoes were unprepared, but I took each step with great joy. Like a victory parade in my mind, it definitely wasn't a trudge. It eventually got colder, my hands freezing, my phone magically dropping in battery. But I had fun. Some of the best fun I had in a while. I think my friends don't really understand why I was so happy. It's only snow, it'll become a hindrance, a nuisance, ugly wet slosh on the ground which gets darker with each step. But it's the simple things in life that are currently getting me going. Nothing spectacular, little joys in life. Maybe that's why it was a victory. Because I actually had some fun in a while. Monday, December 11, 2017
Toiled 7:38 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
It's okay to feel how you feel
I'm not sure if it's cos I've just been studying the whole day.
But I just feel so lonely now.
The night sky's just dark, starless.
The streets are empty, lit up only by the lonely lamps.
The morning rain still lingers with its wetness.
It's cold now.
I sit here, sipping on some hot water.
I've ran out of coffee.
Tea's not really what I want I suppose.
But all this will pass.
I'll sleep tonight, and wake up tomorrow, feelings set anew, afresh.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm a little lost in this world.
Lost not because I'm without a goal.
Lost because I don't really know what I want.
My heart aches for some reason.
Not the ache you get after an uphill sprint.
Rather an ache after a disappointment.
But I don't know what I'm disappointed about.
Is there even anything to be disappointed with?
I sit here typing all this out.
Maybe someday I'll read them again, knowing that this feeling has always been lingering around in the quietest of nights.
Maybe someday I'll read them again, then feeling the warmth in the coldest of nights, recalling the emptiness of the room.
Maybe I'll just forget about it, and this just gets lost in the mine of data that is this blog.
It's all so pointless, nigh nihilistic.
But I want to know, I want to think, I want to find out.
What's this emptiness? This ache? This sadness?
Why do I get this bouts every once in a while?
Maybe one day I'll know.
Maybe I wouldn't.
And I know it's okay to feel how I feel now.
Play some sad tunes and wait out the moment.
Cry even.
But I want to smile.
Not that Cheshire grin.
Not that slight twitch of the lips.
But a genuine smile.
Is that so selfish of me?
Friday, December 8, 2017
Toiled 9:06 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
yea yea yea bla bla bla
It's mid week.
Time passes fast. Everything moves so fast at times. At other times it seems forever. Physically the concept of time is actually pretty amazing. I mean, who actually thought about it? How was the word even created. Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Toiled 10:05 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Fear of the unknown
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
Toiled 6:41 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Musing
Maybe this holiday may be the most interesting.
It's nice to give sometimes. I admit I tend to try to think of good gifts, because I like to be thanked :) Anything wrong with that? It's a selfish thought, but it's not as though the other party ain't benefiting right? Weird thoughts. Last night I started ti dislike you. Sunday, December 3, 2017
Toiled 10:24 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
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