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And we were unforgettable
You know the sense of déjà vu? When you're doing your work, and you come across something so familiar, like you've looked at it before, word for word. Or the times when you wonder where did all that time go? Or the times when you just don't know what you're feeling? Maybe I've had a little too much me time for a while? Monday, August 28, 2017
Toiled 12:34 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
On boredom
Maybe it's not boredom, rather the need to fill my time with something worthwhile.
Perhaps it's cos I've always thought along the lines of work and reward. Spending time frolicking around, time spent doing nothing, time spent watching the rain fall. Time spent alone. I don't do it as a reward, but rather a time to spend some quality time with my thoughts. But I wouldn't be able to do all these nothings if I hadn't done something I deemed worthwhile. It's a reward for my hard work, this periods of time dedicated to doing nothing. So I guess it's not about me being afraid of getting bored. But rather it's me wanting to fill up my time with things I consider worthwhile, and then spending time resting. That's kinda convoluted, but oh well, I'm not one for words, but actions? I guess that's just me needing to do something. Because if you can do something to impact the place we live in, why not right? --- What does getting into a relationship mean to me? I was so surprised when I read the question. Is it really that straightforward? I mean, isn't it meant to be a feeling you get? Like it's something that cannot be put into words. Because things that can be captured by words become such a scientific, yes no scenario. But I'm pretty sure there hasn't been any great philosopher who has been able to capture its essence, though correct me if I'm wrong. What's this feeling of seeing so many couples in Singapore? Jealousy? Fear? Loneliness? Anxiousness? Regret? All I can say is that it feels like my guts are getting constricted. So why do people get into relationships? mmm Maybe one day I'll be able to look back on this and have a better idea. Or a better feeling more likely. Or maybe I'll never be able to come to reach a satisfactory closure to this discourse. Or maybe I'll just forget about it. ... I think it's fear. The fear of not knowing what it could possibly open up for me. But isn't that just so selfish? Bummer. Well. Sunday, August 27, 2017
Toiled 3:03 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
6/177
Sometimes it's because of things like this I feel a little weird, like could it have turned out a little better if I put in more effort?
Whatever, I've forgotten now, just time to look forward to the third year.
Mm, I wonder what stupid things will happen?
Monday, August 21, 2017
Toiled 1:34 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
It's like a knot in your threat, but with each cough and sneeze, it just sinks further down.
I tell myself to stay positive, but at times, it's just so tiring.
It sucks to be so sensitive, so easily shaken. I realised that when I was young, I had moodswings - happy to angry. When I was a teen, the moodswings were from happy to cold. Now, I just fluctuate between calm and depressed. Not really depressed, but like an aching in my heart which causes me to just look through music, find music and just skip over music, searching and searching. --- I lie, lie all the time, to people around me, to people close to me, to people who want to be close to me. For my sake, for their sake. And I write down all the truths and paste them in my little room. Because sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. And because sometimes I realise that the people around me don't deserve it either. --- --- On the talk about motivation. Some people like to post motivation on Insta or FB. For whom is it, the world or themselves? And how can they be so motivated despite their achievements looking so mundane in my eye. Or do they feel the need to acknowledge themselves? Or are they really that proud of their hard work. Hard work pays off, yes I'd like to believe that, but just because it does, no one states that it pays off with immediate effect, nor did anyone state that we have channeled it in the right direction for desirable effect. Mmm. Friday, August 18, 2017
Toiled 4:47 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
A little weird
So I don't generally feel homesick during term time.
But I was particularly excited to come back home in the last week. Then I came back home. And it all felt a little weird. It doesn't feel like home for some reason, it seems as though so much has changed whilst I was in away. Oxford seems like a relic in a museum, culturally rich and preserved to last, with little murderous modernisation to taint its proud heritage. In Singapore, things change so fast, developing new institutions to counteract the ever-changing needs of the people and her problems and her priorities. Personally, heritage to me isn't the Chinatown which I have no recollection of. Rather it's the coffee shop that I see at the bend of a corner, or even the comfortable sight of a McDonald's where I expect it to be. I guess, it's not really heritage. I suppose that after running around in a mice wheel for the past year, when I'm taken out of this insidiously comfortable environment, I'm unable to swallow the undulating waves of change. Sigh. Monday, August 14, 2017
Toiled 11:50 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
tick infestation zzz
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Toiled 9:45 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
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