rants and ramblings

happy easter!

Happy Easter!! Hmmmmmmn... Faith and renewal! I want some bunnies and eggs.... hehhehehe!! Last day of March.. don't know what will happen to my site come April... haaaaay..

picpic

picpic anyone?! bwahahhaha!! the gallery is this way, follow ME.

haberday

It's my birthdaaaaaaaay!!

25 years ago, in UST hospital.. my mother gave birth to a dark, ugly baby girl with hair so curly. They forgot to bring some baby clothes for me.. so there I was, naked under the warm wraps. My nanay told me that when she saw me she said to herself " ke pangit na bata .. wawa naman" Hehehe!! Am I that too ugly? Anyway, I had a nice normal childhood, a boring adolescent and one hell of a college life.

A quarter of a century has passed and here I am… hehehe.. Nothing has changed except the number of candles in my cake. I'm still carefree.. I love fun and pleasure. Hehehehe! Mama Ailes greeted me first when the clock striked 12. She sent me a text message, and it said, "STEP by STEP, the journey goes on. LITTLE by LITTLE, it may seem so long the things you learn will keep you on with faith in GOD you'll be a lawyer soon. Haberday!" hehehe… time for my birthday wish…

Birthday wish for the Birthday Girl:

SEX. Hehehe! seriously.. Perseverance and patience to study. I do hope that this year you'll be able to fulfill all your dreams. Good health to you and your family. A love that you can call your own, who will love you and take care of you the way that you deserve. May you learn valuable lessons and keep them in your heart.. Remember and learn from the past. Live and enjoy the present. Dream and hope for the future.

kwitersaks

Just the other day, in IRC.. I had an argument. And it's about risks, quitting and love. This person has a knack of turning the tables around; he almost convinced me that- I'm lacking as a woman and a quitter at that. He got the notion that I quit on him, when in truth.. I realized that he doesn't deserve me! I deserve someone better. Hehehe! He was talking about his girlfriend, on how nice she is.. What a wonderful woman she is…how lucky he is for having her --achuchus. And then he goes something like.. "There are women who doesn't really know how to love a man cause they don't really know how". His point of view is that, if you love a man-- you should give your all, disregarding the truth… reality and the facts at hand. He also said that you shouldn't quit on the person… you should stay whether in good or bad times.

This is what I have to say:

Love indeed involves taking a risk. And risk involves getting hurt. However, if you know from the very start that it is a no-win situation; that you would only end up being hurt-- you would cry a river… That one way or another.. You are going to be the one left to mend a brokenheart. Would you still take the risk? Ah.. When do you realize a person is worth it? You would definitely know from the start-- from his ideas, thoughts and his point of views. You would know.. In your heart and in your mind, that this person is worth taking the risk for. Of course, start of a relationship is a risk. Getting involved with a person is always a risk… the question is, are you willing take it a little farther? Doubt it not, I took it before.. Not as if I'm really cynical about getting into a relationship.. But then my situation is always like this: I would get to know the person a little.. Love them and then realize that they are such losers or discover that they are unfaithful bastards. So I let them go. Letting go is definitely different from quitting. Letting go is accepting the fact that it wouldn't work out and accepting that he deserves someone better… cause the best is always saved for last. Hehehe! How can I explain to this egoistic animal that, there are women who are not blinded by sweet talks… there are women who does not jump from one bed to another. Did he expect me to bed him? Hahahah… darn, if that is the case, he expects too much. I do know how to take care of someone special!! It's an inborn talent. If some find me too cold.. Or too buddy-like.. They deserve to be treated that way. I hate quitters. I can accept defeat, though not sweetly cause I'm a sore loser--but I never quit. I know what is right (categorically speaking) & I know when to stop. Maybe that's the problem with me.. I know too much & I think too much. I value every little detail that is coming from other person's mind and heart. I'm wary about lies. I hate liars. Once I caught you lying, don't expect me to just believe you. Your word would forever be held in doubt. . I can be the woman of your dreams (arrgghh.. yikes) or the witch in your nightmare… so either way, I'm a frigging woman!

I told him that I love my friends more than my err.. bf's or ex's (as if) Lolz.. Cause there was a phase in my life that I was able to totally disregard men for the simple reason that I have my friends. And for me, at that time, it was enough. The thing that I love about my friends is the fact that they are the one who encourages me to get involved, they are the ones who are teaches me things about relationships and sex. Seriously, they are the ones who are pushing me to be in a relationship. They just want someone who would take care of me like the way that they do. Hmmm…back to the egoistic tripper and bad jologs man.. I don't care what he thinks.. I know he is a cheat anyway. Hehehe!! I just hope that when the one comes along-- he would be able to bring out the woman in me. Then, we won't be having any problems, cause then-- I would be able to take care of him as he deserve and he got no choice but to love me more! =Þ

graduation day

Okies.. the day that Im waiting for.. the day i'm going to get my diploma. It took me 5 long years and 3 school to get this frigging degree! darn.. That is moot and academic now... Earlier this evening I met my friends and kinda celebrated my graduation since none of them could attend it later. We all met in our usual meeting place, then proceeded to Pasilyo. We had some dinner and started drinking the night away.

I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to my family for always being there for me.. and for always supporting me in my studies. For allowing me to stay up late in front of the PC and stay overnight at a friend's place. I thanked them for their perseverance to help me pursue my dream. I thank them for accepting me and loving me despite my stubborness and bad moods. (hey as if they got any choice) I simply thank them for being my family. Also, I would like to extend my thanks to my bestfriend -- who's always there for me through thick and thin.. and although it's sad that she can't be here with me to celebrate this big day.. I know that she wishes me well.. I love you bespren! You simply are amazing. Let's not forget the Superpekpek Heroes, for being the best barkada I've ever had! For all the laughter and countless lessons that we have shared, for all the tears and triumphs... I love you girls! hehehe!! What else.. hmm to my chatmates who have helped me enjoy my IRC life.. I would surely miss the frigging LOLS and the Muahss..To all those who liked my site.. as well as my writing, Thank you so much. Indeed good words are inspiring. To all the guys Ive loved before-- darn, no thank you for you-- you jackasses!! You broke my heart.. someday, You'll going to pay for every little tear that I shed. And most important of them all , I thank GOD for letting me go this far. Sorry for all the shortcomings.. i'm just human.. i make mistakes. heheheh!!

So, there.. hopefully, I didn't miss anybody.. Just in case I did.. well.. I know they understand. Thank you kulasisi.. for being the unseen friend and silent confidant. nytnyt...

haaaaay

Day before my Graduation.. can't say I'm excited.. I'm going to manila today for some stuff. Hayyy.. details later! aight?

Okies.. I was looking for a copy of this song all over the INTERNET... and it's odd that they don't have the lyrics of this song... sing along with me? =Þ

I was looking for someone to love

I told myself, when you smiled at me..
"This time it's gonna be, forever"
I didn't know, that you would hurt me so..
Right from the very start.. You were the one who would break my heart

Cause I was looking for someone to love
Oh.. The heartache I found..
I was looking for someone to love.. But you were just looking around.

You lead me on , pretending you can care
Promises the love we share, forever…
I closed the door, can’t take it anymore..
Love will never be the same..
You turn it around and made it a game…

Cause I was looking for someone to love
And oh.. The heartache I found..
I was looking for someone to love, but you were just looking around…

stars and the moon

Last night, I had the chance to gaze at the sky… and it made me feel real good. And I realized how much I like the night more than the day. There were so many stars last night competing in beauty and radiance. The moon was cradled in the sky with its soft glow. It was a romantic night.. And I could have spent the night just gazing at the sky but then I really had to go inside our house or else, the mosquitoes will have a feast. It has been so long since I stared at something so beautiful and it's for free! Imagine that? hehehehe.. It's nice to look at the sky without hurting your eyes.. The stars were blinking unceasingly…and last night, while staring at the sky, I found peace. I found beauty. Somehow, I have found a peace of mind. I hope that tonight, I'll be able to look at the heavens and appreciate again its beauty and the serenity that it brings me.

5 days before my birthday and the expenses are getting higher and higher! I'll be 25 and yet I felt that nothing has changed.. I'm still the same old Connie who's stubborn… and talkative and childish. Yep.. I'm still all that.. with a touch of bitchiness.

bar

DIANE made it!! yahhhhhhhhoooooo!! She's an attorney now!! Way to go girl!! We are proud of you! I am proud of you! *huggies*

Now.. the pressure is all on me.. and I'm frigging scared.

forgive and forget

As you may already know.. This is the cyber world. I dwell here. I let my mind live here. Sometimes, my brain as well as my heart resides in this world. World that is uncontrollable.. World that is free.. You can do anything you want, do anything you please & be anyone you want to be.. This is my world. This is my home.. I rule here.

I have met a lot of people through cyberspace.. There are some that I don't like.. and there are some that I like & we eventually become friends. Countless times, I have fallen in & out of err.. cyber love. But it never is easy to mend a broken pride and heart. Love, truth and honesty… and luck. Hehehe!! Sometimes you really need luck to be able to find the right person for you. It is not easy to trust and give the other person a part of you… sometimes, it's not easy to give at all. There are moments that you grow tired of all the pain and all the frustrations that you just want to quit. You just want to give up.. And just when you're about to give up.. You'll meet someone who keeps your interests and you on your feet, therefore, repeating the whole cycle again. But with a difference-- cause this time there is an awareness… you are up and about all the things that he is saying, things that he do. Seems like everything has hidden meanings.. And that fact make you realize that there are just things that you can't forget.. There are just things that you can't forgive. There are certain things that I was made aware today:


 Someone is meant for me and I'm meant for someone else.
 A Brokenheart is painful but a broken pride hurts the most.
 You can forgive and yet you can not really forget.
 I'm good but I'm really at my best when I'm being bad.

I have not forgotten.

my song

Okies.. I got a mail from YahooGroups and it was about the song FALLIN'. As some of my close friends may already know.. I consider it my song. It depicts my life. It's my so-called National Anthem. And in that letter-- the author tried to explain, what the song meant to her. No, I haven't read it.. I browse on it a little though.. And it made me realize… What does that song really mean to me? So.. Now, here I am in front of my PC.. Trying to squeeze my brains of things that would make me understand why I chose FALLIN' to be the song of my life, among all other songs.

"I'm afraid to fly and I don't know why
I'm jealous of the people who are not afraid to die"

- As I may have mentioned in my past entries.. I fear a lot of things. I'm just good at pretending I guess. This line depicts my attitude toward people who knows what they want… who knows how to enjoy the things that they have. Appreciating the things that come their way. Whereas I, I'm afraid of taking the risk for fear of failing, fear of hurt, and fear of rejection. There are people who don't seem to get tired of taking the risk and doesn't get tired of being hurt. And I have wished so many times to be like that. I've come to realize that love involves taking risk.. Risk of being hurt just to be happy. Risk of losing one self just to be found.

"It's just that I recall, back when I was small.
Someone promised that they'd catch me
but then they let me fall..."

- Betrayal of trust. There are people from my past who promised that they would always be there… when in fact they won't.. or they can't. It makes me sad that people would give you false hopes. Hope that they'll be there for you. Hope that no matter what happens-- things will be the same. Things will not change. Things will last for the longest time. The frustrations of knowing that people are capable of leaving you just when you need them the most. Accepting the fact that you have trusted and betrayed.

"And now I'm falling, fallin fast again.
Why do I always take a fall
When I fall in love?"

- Isn't it a wonder that you just find yourself missing the person… and then realization will hit you that you are indeed in the brink of falling in love. And you ask yourself…what makes you so stubborn to do it all again, despite the pain…

"You think by now I've learned
Play with fire you get burned
But fire can be oh so warm,
That's why I returned."

- There are a lot of things to learn when you fall in love. You learn how to be strong, to be courageous.. You learn to sacrifice. Learning is a continuing process… and loving is a continuing process. Sometimes you just can't help yourself but to come back…. To him or the past feeling.. it does not really matter. Cause sometimes what hurts you, is what makes you happy. But then I'm not like that. I'm willing to give up happiness in order not to feel pain. I'm a safe player. I hate playing games that I can't win. There were moments in my life that I played with emotions. Only to be the one in the receiving-end. But then, did I learn my lesson? I did not. I keep doing it again and again and again.

"Turn and walk away
That's what I should do.
My head says go and find the door;
My heart says I found you."

- Ah.. I remember I hate people who are clingy. You know? People who clings to a feeling that is no longer there.. Clinging to a person that is no longer yours. But you know what? No matter how much undesirable that person is, no matter how ugly, how unlikable that person is, You wouldn't care. Cause when you love --what matter is that you love that person… and he's everything to you (almost anyway) But you know what? I've come to understand that when you are in love… you tend to cling. Although time will come that it will no longer be right -- you just can't help yourself.. it is inevitable, you just stay and hold on. The heart can really really be stupid at times.. What the heck.. Most of the time it is stupid! When love is real.. it defies all reasons. When love is true, it ignores all pains. When Love is great, it waits.. it persists.. it lingers .. FOREVER.

"It always turns out the same
Loving someone, losing myself
I only got me to blame."

- I haven't actually lost myself loving someone before.. Cause as I've said.. I'm afraid to take the risk. I quit before it even started.

"And maybe this time I'll have it all.
Maybe I'll make it after all. Maybe this time I won't fall..
When I fall in love."

- We just don't get tired of hoping that somewhere-- in this great big universe you'll be able to find your perfect match. Finding the one for you. Finding your other half, the half that would make you complete… the one that is meant for you… dreaming and hoping that this time.. No more heartaches, no more pains.. That this time, it would be forever… this time, it'll just be you and him.. 'til the end of time.

As I end this entry-- I have realized that love indeed is powerful. And nothing can make me happier than knowing and feeling that I am loved. Knowing that there are people out there who loves the way I talk, the way I smile, the way my mind works.. The way that I laugh.. People who loves me despite my imperfections... Someone who loves me just as I am. Love is the color of your life, that's what mama Jane told me.. And it is. It is the fury of the storm and the calm of the rainbow. It is the source of Life. Love is looking at yourself in someone else's eyes, finding yourself in someone else's heart and believing that someone was born because of you.

bzzzz

It has been a hectic week for me-- I barely had the time to log in and check on my humble abode here. I'm always out preparing for the graduation. I can't remember if I was this tired when I graduated in College. And I'm fucking tired…really!! My wallet or shall I say, my parent's and ate's wallet is dry. I raided it. Pay here, pay there. I just keep on paying whatever it is they want me to pay. Okies.. Here's my frigging story-- Last Monday, Mama Ailes, Lily, Pinky and I went to a cheap videoke house and sung our lungs out! That was after Lily had her fill of tons and tons of B-B-Q'd fats! Then, I met someone and got absolutely drunk.. yep.. as in drunk.. I was my freaky laughing looney self last Monday. Then Tuesday-- uhmm. I went to school wearing something nice and all & attended my commercial law class. The examination was rescheduled. Then, I didn't go to school last Wednesday, I just stayed here and listen to soft music-- ahuh, I listened to jazzy love songs.. and I find myself humming to the words. I found out that the enrollment for review in UP is on March 15. I was not able to enroll for the simple reason that I got no money. Maybe, I'll just find myself another review center... Thursday, I got an exam in Taxation-- that frigging subject never fail to give me a headache!! Then, mama ailes treat me for dinner. Haaaaay.. I forgot how it feels to graduate… the excitement and all.. I've forgotten how it is to smile in front of the camera. Hehehe!! DARN! Now, I really have no where to go!! Lolz.. the BAR is just a couple of months away-- I haven't studied for it… can I say that I'm prepared? Sad to say I'm not. I do hope that in time I'll be able to look back and laugh at this.. Cause if not, I'll just curse the day or night-- whatever, away! And that's the true!!! Hahahahaha!!

hmmmmm... just want to mark this day. =) met jeff last night. that's all. and i'm fucking drunk. bow.

yahoo!

I have a frequent reader, his name is Mark.. We don't know each other personally. When everybody seemed to forget that I exist, I always got mail from him.. and it's enough to make me feel good. Hence, improving my mood and make me feel hmmm.. Better. =Þ I haven't had the chance to talk to him that long since he's always busy with work. But I can sense the sincerity and the kindness.. And I think we can be real good friends cause he's kinda wacko too… heheheh…

What else.. Today, We brought Luis to UST Hospital for some x-ray. The x-ray was done in order to see if his kidney is damaged by the infection. As usual, I was the one to be with my baby--- They all think that I'm that strong and that I can handle seeing my baby being hurt. If only they knew that inside I was really scared… darn, brave people sometimes get scared too! Dr. Bolong, I think is a real good doctor-- he explained the procedure very well.. the options of the parents…and the medical achuchus. The parents have the option to have their child sedated if 3 yrs old and above. The Dr. explained the side effects of the drug, which personally speaking, I really find scary… The procedure, a catheter shall be inserted in the peehole, filling the bladder with fluid.. Forcing the bladder to release the fluid.. Hence, observing the activity of the bladder and the kidney. Through this procedure-- the doctor will be able to figure out what caused the infection and the extent of the damage to the kidney. They made me wear this metal thing.. Which I fondly called-- ARMOR. It's used to protect me from the radiation… Thank God that Luis is clear!! The doctor recommends circumcision as an option and continued antibiotics.. Aside from that he is well.. Yeheeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy!! That alone really made my day. I was so proud of my baby-- he didn't cry. He's a brave boy, just like his ninang! yep.. I'm a brave boy too! =Þ

women's day

Today is International Women's day! We are celebrating the liberation and freedom of all women!! Time to give us a break and stop the stereotype that women are inferior to men! For so many reasons, I'm glad I'm a woman. =Þ

loser

Good Morning my kulasisi!! How are you doing today?! Hehee... I woke up @ around 2 am today and went online... I looked for familiar nicks over the net and I saw some of them. And then I saw this loser... yep..he is that you know.. joey is a loser.. most of the people in the IRC thinks so. Hmmmmn.. I think he likes playing with women... a certified womanizer. At 39 years old. Imagine that.. He should be married and having kids and having a family of his own. Anyway, I really feel sorry for him cause I think he loves the chase. And nothing else.

Anyway, he's here for a vacation.. and i do hope that he'll have a grand time...

commercial

Haberday 34th Birthday ate vivian!!

Wishes:

Health, Long life, love, Happiness and peace! Sounds like a christmas card to me!!

I might not be able to blog come April of this year due to the new policy of Yahoo Geocities. I have to pay for FTP transfer.. darn.. Got to look for a new home.. and say goodbye to Geocities!! darn.. Besides, review is coming up.. got to lessen the use of the PC... and face all those papers! Haaaaaaaaaaay!

blinkie

Armina gave me a blinkie!! Isn't it cute?

ate's b-day

We've just celebrated ate's 34th birthday. We had some cake, pancit bihon , sandwiches, tequila and nuts. I can proudly say that I'm fucking drunk! Yeps!! My eyes are wobbly.. heheheheh!! But unlike, the past times that I got drunk-- I can't find anything funny. I'm not laughing my ass off about anything… Maybe because I've realized that things are not going the way I planned them to be. I had a few plans.. And all the while I thought that they were working according to what I have planned. But sad to say, I discovered that they are not. And when I discovered it-- I got hurt once again. Now, I can say proudly to my heart that miracles and happy endings only happens in fairy tales-- where everything is colorful, good wins over the bad and love conquers all. I'm so disappointed & frustrated that I decided to give up. My tears are too valuable. He's not worth it.

It's time for my heart to stop being stupid.. Time for it to stop believing in fairy tales, and let my mind, once again, rule my life.

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Happy 34th bday ATE!

Wishes:

Hmmm.. I do hope the things will work out for the best.. and i just want to let her know, that i do love her very much although sometimes it doesn't seem so.. what else? I do hope that she'll be able to find Mr. Right who seem to be lost... darn.. Mr. Right doesn't mean that he's Mr. Perfect right? More wealth.. I wish her health and wise decisions. I love her dearly...

commercial

Happy 4th birthday to the birthday brat, kyle!!

wishes:

Good health and hope she stops being a brat!

lucky girl

Yesterday, I attended our rehearsal at Philamlife auditorium. We had a practice… I thought that we would finish early but then my classmates and I had to settle lots of things-- we were able to finish @ 9 pm. We practiced the march, the putting of the hood and the tussle. There are still things that I fear but I pray that God will guide me to be able to overcome all the troubles that's going my way. It was a tiring day.

Today, a childhood friend paid me a visit. Her name is Monette. She's a friend since grade school -- way way back Sta. Mesa days. Hmmnn.. as usual we had a little chitchat regarding her life and Carmina's life also. We were the three musketeers of Road 5 then. Now, we're all grown-ups. Monette has 2 kids, a girl and a boy. But then the father of those kids lives a separate life and doesn't even give them support. Carmina has her own kid also.. I guess, in a way they are in a same situation since the father of kay-kay's kid doesn't give them support, much more recognize the boy. Monette kept on saying that I'm lucky cause I'll be able to fulfill my dream… her life is in a mess right now.. as well as kay-kay's and the things we've talked about were topics that only grown-ups talked about… yep.. We had grown. We had grown old separately. My environment was different from theirs. The people that I hang out with-- the people that influenced me are different from the people that influenced them. And I really find it odd, that Kay-kay and Monette be on the same boat after all these years. I am lucky to have my parents. I am lucky that I'm not allowed to have all the things that I want. I am lucky that I listened to their guidance and stories. I was able to finish school. I am single with no responsibilities except to myself. I'm not facing the problems that they are facing. I can still find something funny in this life and crack up some silly joke about it…. I am lucky.

I'm just an ungrateful bitch.

march

It's the first day of march! yippppppppppeeeeeeeee!!! Lots of b-day celebrations! Luis is 5 months old today...Lyka will be 4 yrs. old on March 3, Ate Tina will be 34 on March 5, Ate Vivian will be 34 also on March 7. I'll be graduating hopefully on March 24... and I'll be turning 25 on March 26. Go and ready all the gifts! *winks*