rants and ramblings

):

I cannot seem to get it off my head. Although there are times when I would actually feel alright-- reality would hit me and I would feel this pain.

i don't want it, but it's there. thoughts are making me remember my past and realize what we have lost.

i am afraid that i can no longer hold on to my pretensions. I am not strong. I am weak. I am feeling my strength being sucked out of me.

bhot

Yesterday, I could not help but feel relieved that the seminar was finally over. I was tired and intellectually drained. I happily chatted with my co-participants and unknowingly reached for my cellphone to check new messages. I had two messages, one was from globe and the other from ate me-anne. Her message shocked me. She said that tito bebot had a heart attack and is dead. I could not believe it.. the message was fully rejected by my brains. I do not want to believe it.

tito bebot was my father's brother. he was our engineer. He was my ninong and avid supporter. I feel so bad that I was not able to give him enough.. nor was I able to return all the favors that he had done for my family. I feel guilty that I was not able to give him anything. He was kind and a sweet tito to us. Especially to my ate.

I wanted to wail and cry 'til i can not feel any ache. It feels like there is a knife in my heart. and I did ask why it had to be him, I did ask whether he had enjoyed the life he lived... and was it the way he expected it to be? I could only feel pain.. so much pain for another loss.

He was the one taking care of my lola.. taking care of the household.. cooking for us.. he was the one accompanying me when I have to drive around town. He was the reason we have our vehicle. when nobody was willing enough to lend us the money, he let us borrowed his savings...and now he's gone.

i feel pain, so much of it.. i could choke.

eventhough i seldom see him.. i know in my heart, how much i care for him. How much i will miss him and how much i love my tito.


i bid you farewell, tito bhot. thank you for being proud of me. until the time we'll meet again.


engineer leoven calata bacay
1951-2006

which baby are you?

Mar

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.

3 weeks and counting

i'm on my 3rd week now here at the office.. so far, i am feeling good though i still feel bad when they check my work. hehehe... although, i know that it is for my own good... my ego still suffers.

chr still hasn't contacted me, those son of bitches... i am becoming a true government employee.. spending too much time wandering.. hahahayyyyy

Yaku will be arriving next month, YEHEY!!!

what it feels like

What it feels like to work again..

Working gives me the sense of fulfillment that finally, i am financially empowered.. I can plan on the things that I want to do, places I want to visit, things that I want to buy. I do not worry about not being able to eat in fancy restaurants (once in a while), or securing my future and that of my family.

So far, I am enjoying what I do.. I get to have fun most of the time.. and i was able to meet new friends. Although there are times when I still feel so unsure about the people that I work with. I mean, there are times when I feel that I cannot trust them. However, I know that one cannot please everybody-- so come what may, I am hoping that GOD would give me the strength to take on whatever challenges would cross my path.. and the patience to understand those who would piss me off.

What it feels like to have a boss (again)...

Well.. although I did miss working, the rush work is something i did not miss. Especially demanding bosses. Buti nalang girl scout ako. Laging handa. BLEH!

What it feels like to be back in the Senate premises....

Noontime yesterday, we got a call from the staff of the Boss to attend his confirmation. Since it was a great opportunity for me to get my memorabilia, i joined the troop. Once more, I was back in the great hall... it still ooze with so much class and great facilities (well, their's are really better than those in other government agencies). I remembered the things that I used to do there-- I remembered how it was to be part of the institution. I saw familiar faces... but I felt I do not belong there anymore. Senate would always be special to me-- but inside, i know that I would never be able to get back. I have come to accept that fact. This is my life now. I have new horizons to soar now.. new paths to lead. I have moved on. (:

What it feels like to finally see the sun...

It was cloudy early this morning, the sun was hiding behind the clouds. It was the first time that I was able to see the sun without using films or negatives. It was an achievement..and as i stare, i did wonder for a minute.. where does it get its light....

update

After the entry preceding this, the whole NCR was hit by a typhoon named after a man.. "milenyo". It brought down lots of billboards, lighposts, and structures. What can you expect from a guy typhoon, right? Just like the male species.. it's rough, rowdy, makalat and cause of all damages. hehehee.. Then work started....

I started working again last October 2. So I have been reporting for 5 days now.. so far, i am doing great.. got my assignment from the supervisor. I just wish that my small teritory was already prepared when I started. It still does not have any chair, pc, and other stuff. Hayy.. I just want to work and explore the world.

Then, there's the pre-employment requirements. Thank God I was able to finish mine in less than a week. My visit with the Doctor did not turn great since she diagnosed me as Hypertension Suspect. The hell.. it means that I am prone to get High Blood. She advised me to diet and exercise... and a weekly visit to the clinic to check on my high blood pressure. It sure scared the hell out of me since I do not want to die young.. and definitely not before i do something significant and worth remembering.

The Office is filled with diverse personalities-- we have this control freak librarian, the gossip mongers, the rebels, the odd group... and some invisible employees. Heheheheh I'll just tell you about them next time..when I am not so tired from my trip.

off to bed.... nyt-nyt.. (: