rants and ramblings

new year, new life.

I know I had my recap for the year 2006 already...but what the heck,I'll just put an addendum to my last entry. But before I do that, I'm going to take my bath first.

Ok...now that dirt is out of the way, I am back. hhehehe.. Uhmmm.. the title of this entry is new year, new life. The following are my New Year's Resolution:

1. Take care of myself.
2. Think of myself.
3. Love myself.
4. Pamper myself.
5. Save and spend... (a Lot!)
6. Meet new friends and contacts.
7. Get a car, laptop... a boyfriend perhaps.
8. Save for local and foreign trips.
9. After a year at work, I'm going to submit an application for foreign detail... or visit Jane in New York.
10. The year has to be about ME. Nobody else. Only me matters.

Wish for myself:

Don't ever think that because you failed in something, you are not good enough. You are more than enough. In fact, you deserve more. And this year, do not settle for anything less than your standards. Keep your faith that God has other greater plans for you. Bigger. Better. Don't despair for love-- it'll come when it is the right time. Be the strong woman that you are. and Love yourself first for pete's sake!!!

2006.. the year that was

I might not be able to have my recap of this year on time..so i'm making it early.. 2 days before the new year. Let's do this by month:

January- Tat and I was able to settle somewhere in the south. A place to call our very own. It was also this month that I had my "english proficiency training" and was finally hired by CVG.

February- I enjoyed the training although I sleep for 4 hours daily. Had a heart problem that caused me to give up my short-lived call center career.

March- I turned 29. Feeling desperate because I quit my job and nobody wanted to take me in. However, before the month ended-- I was able to redeem myself because I passed the Bar Exams.

April - May - Whirlwind schedule for me.. Everybody was celebrating my victory. We went to Galera and Bataan. It was..well.. tribute to my hard work. I took my oath and signed the roll. Finally, i got the Atty. attached to my name. Setback, we had to move out of the house because we (tat and i) don't have work. =/

June - Staying with my parents again.. I was able to talk tat into staying for a while also.

July-August-September- Tried my luck applying with different government agencies. Before september ended-- DOLE hired me.

October-November - I started working with DOLE. We lost Tito Bebot.

December- The saddest christmas of my life. This is where I realize that money doesn't matter. It is what's in your heart that's important.

Wishes for the new year:

No..I'm not wishing for a new love.. actually, what i am wishing for is an extension to what i had.. haaaaaaaay.. I wish the year of the fire pig will bring me luck in life and in love. =/ Before the year ends, i hope that everything will be alright.

own your feelings

For the past two weeks I feel terrible. My heart is heavy with pain. Breakup is one of the things that I dread. The fact that someone can unlove you. The article I read talked about owning your feelings... You should not let the break up stop you from achieving your other goals... It is hard to let go-- and yes, it is painful to lose someone you love. I also read that it ain't over 'til its over.. that we should not jump into worst conclusions because by doing that we modify our destiny.. or even prevent a better outcome. but everything is easier said than done.

I ask God everyday to give me the courage to move on, and yet everyday.. I find myself yearning more..feeling worse... and lonely. I pray to Him to take away the pain... to give me strength.. to guide me... but it seems that the more I come to him for help.. the harder it gets. I don't know what to do anymore.... I just want this pain to end..at any cost.

With all honesty, I am still in love with her-- the thought about letting go and understanding why it has come to this.. are all lies. I don't want to lose her... I never did. This is what I am feeling now. Sense of loss.. sadness..

maningning

Last night.. my mind wandered off again... and my thoughts led me to maningning. Remember her? I have written about her sometime ago. She was an architect who killed herself because of love. She was also an Artist and a woman, among others. Then, I could not understand why she had to kill herself just because she was brokenhearted. I found it lame.. and narrowminded. But everything has changed now. My thoughts about love.. my thoughts about her pain... now, i have come to understand. I've become aware of the feeling of lost, failure and desperation. I used to think low of people who've tried to commit suicide because they're brokenhearted... I never did understand how they felt..well.. until now.

Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable that you just want to end it. Your memories are all over making you remember the used to be's and wonder the what could have beens... No, I don't have any plans of committing suicide, idiot. My point is.. now.. I understand the predicaments of a brokenhearted person. The numerous sleepless nights.. the flow of the tears that doesn't seem to end. The pain that is slowly killing you inside. The envious and longing looks you bestow other couples.. *sigh* and that deep yearning that you guys will eventually get back together.

They said that it's all a habit.. but i beg to differ... love or relationship can never be a habit. A decision to be with someone is not a habit you acquire. It is a decision, a commitment that you are willing to share your life with your special someone. So when everything else fails.. you can never say, it's just a habit that you can unlearn. You can never unlearn to love somebody. Never.

Maningning has long been gone. But the tragedy of a lost love still goes on. The healing process is still painstakingly long and the the idea of a new love is as bleak as a snowstorm. I wonder when these tears would end..I wonder if you guys understand what I am feeling.

puta

just when you want to forget, people just keep on making you remember... my family keeps on asking me where guia is.. fuck..I don't know. I don't want to care anymore.. It is time for me to move on, lead my own life... think of myself perhaps. ME, me, and only ME. I don't have to worry about her health, her financial problems.. her emotional baggages... it is time to face my own problems... my own emotional baggages. But people around me makes it hard... Isn't it enough that I am in pain? Why do they keep on asking for someone who is not here? I want to tell them gui is not coming here.. not now, not ever.

It was the saddest Christmas because I lost gui.. well.. come to think of it, almost every year i always lose Gui.. but I think this year it's permanent. Though I am grieving for my lost, yet there are still a lot to be thankful for. I mean.. I got my dream, I have work, and I have friends who loves me eventhough well in their own words, naligaw ako ng landas. Haay.. it felt so right and yet they all think its wrong. Pero what the heck, I had my way.. yun nga lang it ended like this. hehe..

So anyway, aside from people asking me guia's whereabouts.. I have to answer the kid's questions why she isn't here to spend the holidays with us, when is she coming over.. I feel like choking when nanay or ate would ask me something about Gui. and there's the misa de gallo.. there-- in a sea of nameless faces, I encountered Tito Jeff. HE too did ask where Guia is, and all I can say is she's there... smile and greet Tito a merry christmas. It was nerve wracking... and I've never felt loneliness the way I did last night...

But it's another day.. Another year. Before I crossover.. I'm going to do a big change in my life. And I am looking forward to it. There's no other way but to go up.. move forward. Live life.

These too shall come to pass, just like the rest...

the people in my officehood

the following pictures were taken during our christmas party last dec. 20, 2006.

eccentricity of love

It is a luxury that once in a while, love gives us a fairy tale, taking us to a magical place right in the middle of an oh-so ordinary and boring life, just when we least expect it. Making us feel alive and see the world in vivid colors. You find yourself listening to love songs. You begin your day with a happy note, waking up each morning with a sense of fulfillment, contentment and bliss.

Nothing in the world could thieve you of your happiness. And as some would die for their belief, for their religion, for their pride and for their power, you’ll say you’d die for love. Loving to the point of madness, madness that knows no bound nor space nor time; madness that is interminable and unlimited; madness that knows but one thing, and that is to love. You become blinded by what is all around you, for all that matters is to love that someone who makes you feel complete. Accepting them whole-heartedly, not minding their imperfections, nay, you don’t find them flawed at all, for in your eyes, they are perfect.

But it this same madness that drives one in a tight spot; into deep woe and torment that is deemed unbearable. True, love frees us of all our grief and miseries, of our soreness and suffering, of all the pain in life compounded by time. But the hurt and the desolation that is caused by it are much greater. This is the peculiarity of love. And though great is the anguish a failed attempt can make you feel, still so many are in pursuit of it. It is because love is addictive. You’ll yearn for the joy it brings, the pleasure it makes you feel. You crave for the tender touch, the kind words and the soft kisses it bestows upon you...

And as we cannot direct its path, let love direct its own course; let it flow into your life and into your heart. Embrace it when it comes and let it dwell within you. Enjoy every moment of it, while it last. But woe betide: you cannot compel it to stay; and if it chooses to leave, let it go. Endure the heartache it’ll bring. Learn from it. Bear the anguish and deal with the sorrow…Your one consolation is that no matter how many times you fall out of it battered and wounded; no amount of ordeal can equal the happiness that only love can give you. And hey, it won’t be long. One day, somehow, you’ll stand again, ready to face life; eager to fall in love once more…

Such is the eccentricity of love… (and what it did to me...)

- author

message from a brokenheart

Since my heart is quite broken this year... i only have this message to sent you my (ex) loved one....

Though we might not be together this season, remember that my love is with you always..my friendship is lasting, and I will always have open arms to welcome you in times of trouble. I wish you a warm season, a better year ahead and a lifetime of wise decisions, love, and laughter. I miss you..

iloveyou,



Life is not easy when change happens... It is rigorous... tough.. it can actually drive one insane and do crazy stuff. But prayers.. and friends will help me get over this tragedy... this shattered fantasy that I have finally found someone to love and share my life with. Plans will have to be changed.. but i'll just do them later.. in the meantime, I would celebrate this pain and offer it to God so that He'll make me a better person. I will love again... I know. God willing.

how to heal a brokenheart

Dos and Don'ts for Healing a Broken Heart


DO watch your vocabulary.We all have an internal conversation with ourselves. Since it shapes our outlook, be careful about the language you choose. Words like "nightmare," "terrible" and "horrible" are catastrophic terms. If you use them, you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative. Spend more time focusing on what you can do.

DO define your real intentions.Are you trying to move past the break-up, or are you hoping to get back with your ex? Define the emotional goal. You won't move on until you've truly accepted that the relationship is over.

DO allow yourself to own your feelings. You can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard. Give yourself permission to express your anger, your sadness—whatever emotions you may be experiencing. It's better to be angry with someone else than to blame yourself.

DO learn to trust again.Whenever you get involved in a relationship, you know there's risk. Don't let a bad experience keep you from living your life to the fullest.

DON'T lose sight of what's important.Sometimes the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself. Moving past a breakup is all about you, not your ex. Don't worry about becoming friends right away—if ever. You have to be your own friend first.

DON'T get stuck. Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In a process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months... each little step is part of the process of healing your heart.

DON'T embarrass yourself.Driving past your ex's house, making dozens of phone calls, e-mailing non-stop…that's not the way to let go of the past. Don't get in a situation where you'll look back someday and feel humiliated.

work update

In celebration of the holidays, my co-workers decided to decorate our respective cubicles.. After two months of workin.. my cubicle looks like this now.. this is my work station and my reading area. =D

ayayay

We have been expecting our salaries for the longest time... and up to this moment... our accounts are still in the negative. Hayy.. talking about christmas spirit. I am expecting that money because of personal obligations that I need to settle. Haayy, the new lawyers are not entitled to the cash gift (well its pro-rated... so it's kinda minimal..) and then the pay is late.... double whammy? I think so too.

When I think of all my debts-- the things that I need to settle... the promises that I have to keep-- I think I'm going insane. Then you would meet someone who would sarcastically make a remark about you and your colleagues. Nonetheless, nobody wants to move out of here and stay somewhere--Who cares if they think we are not good? We know otherwise. Besides, I believe our ploy worked. Heheheh here.. we will stay until better opportunity comes along.

the first philippine idol

And the First Philippine Idol is....

Maureen Marcelo!!!!

She truly deserved it. Congratulations and Good Luck!

final night

Last friday night, I was out with my co-workers when my phone rang. It was sankie from Philippine Idol. She informed me that I won two tickets for the final performance night . I was relieved.. finally, it was not a hoax after all.. I did won.. and it is real. Likewise, she informed that I could get the tickets from their front gate in shaw or in their office. Of course, i did choose to get it from shaw blvd. hehehe..

However, something came up.. (I need to drive my family home from a party.) :(( So.. there..I had my tickets, yet I still watched the show from the tube. Fuck di ba?

Tonight is the results night-- your guess is as good as mine. At this point, well.. it could really be anybody's game. With Pow gone, I hope Mau wins. Aside from the fact that the guys loses control over the notes, Gian is way too over acting and Jan is stiff on stage. Honestly, among the three contenders, I believe she's the only one who has the vocal prowess to prove the world that Pinoys are worldclass.

What about my tickets? err.. i'll be putting them in my photo album, to remind me that it's alrigh to be a fan.. and it's cool to win prizes! yey!

epal

epal is a word i use to refer to someone who took it upon herself to do stuff. in tagalog it is what you call "mapapel".. in slang language.."epal".

I did not think of myself as ma-epal. I maybe straightforward.. i may not be afraid to say what's on my mind or I might not be afraid to ask around.. but i never did refer to myself as Epal.

But my blooper the other day proved me wrong. I unintentionally barged into a meeting in our library. I was shocked and blurted out my apologies... but I did go in and get myself a book. HOW EPAL CAN I GET HUH!?

I did not feel good afterwards. I was feeling kinda off about myself, finding excuses that would make me feel better. But nothing.. as in NADA could make me feel better. Now, I'm stucked with this thought that I am an epal... and feeling like a sucker. ayayayyy...

hidden grudge

This entry is particularly about hidden grudges and what happens when you don't let it out. I borrowed the laptop of my kuya (i'm using it now.. and it confirmed my desire to have one..) anyway, my sister in law asked me to get some paper from the laptop bag. So, when i got home I immediately searched the bag which contained numerous garbage. On particular garbage caught my eye-- what do you know, its a letter from my sister in law and his kids. I know that it's not my business to sneak into the letters but i just had to take a peek on what my sister in law would blab about us.

The letter started with the usual how do you do's.. then it was followed by a complaint regarding her credit status... then followed by a complaint because allegedly my nanay is asking for an increase... then it is followed by another complaint, this one regarding my ate and the expenses about my kuya's kids. My sister in law asked my brother where her salary goes... along with the innuendos about buying the kids stuff and then later on whining about it. Likewise, I read something about me-- she was asking my brother where I put my money. ( the letter was undated so i am not sure whether it was during the time when i don't have a job or not). Then came a sermon which practically tell my kuya that he's a married man and has kids to support.. and it is not his responsibility to give his parents allowance knowing that they need it too. Then, she said that "hindi maasahan" (referring to me and my sister)and that kuya should allow her to work as well in order to help. She said that whenever they stay here, we dont do anything and let them do the household chores... she is likewise whining that my sister is asking my mother to do errands knowing she's not feeling well.

This is what I have to say. I will not confirm or deny anything. But the truth is I really got pissed off. WHY? Because to even think that we are the burden here is quite unfair. They come to our house, eat all our food..they leave and leave the house inside out.. my parents practically serve her and the kids on hand and foot. A thousand bucks is nothing compared to the hardships that my parents have gone through to put us in a good school. Konting utang na loob naman, I don't think a thousand bucks is enough when they practically make a driver out of me and my father. O, kahit wag na ako. Hindi mapapantayan ng kahit na gaanong kalaking pera ang utang na loob namin sa mga magulang namin. And regarding our money, you don't know our finances so don't fucking judge us. Ikaw nga, naririndi ka sa mga utang mo-- kami pa? Lastly, refrain from leaving your shits laying around... one way or another, it is destined to be found,asshole.

news.. news..

Ok.. i just want to jot this down to remember that once in my life, i was a fan and i did join (yes, i did..)a contest for a ticket. heheheh

Anyway, last thursday night ABC5 together with PLDT MyDSL conducted a chat session with the PI Idols. So i logged on-- and registered. Naturally, I joined the room of my PI Idol, Pow. We waited a while because they were having a connection problem. I guess I was the only old person in the room.. (but heck, i didn't tell anybody my age) The questions raised ranged from future career plans to what is her ideal girlfriend (which really made me laugh.. hehehe). So there, I did not join in the talk so much because there were chatters who personally know Pow (naturally they get to talk cause of common grounds).

Pow was accomodating and polite. Then it's time to give away the tickets.. the question was "pang-ilan ako sa na vote off?" -- (the answer was 8). I copied answers from the other chatters. I did not win of course, powerangers did. But he or she just wanted to donate the ticket. So, since i was next in line--- I get to win the ticket(s). I gave them my contact number and was told to wait for a call from ABC. Well... it's saturday now, no call yet from ABC. I was hoping though that they wiill anytime soon... haaaaaaayy

Much better news, my sister-in-law is once again pregnant.. it's their third child. It feels great having another nephew or niece. But what i really want is a niece. Hehehe there's just so many nice dresses out there. I do hope that nothing bad will happen in between. =D