rants and ramblings

blahs

I'm back home from a very,very short trip to Palawan. I left yesterday and came back today. The only sight that I saw in Puerto Princesa was the airport. I got a 4 hour delayed flight and to compensate lost time, PAL gave out free lunch. Much to my dismay of course since I even settled to a city tour.



My lecture was okay and the hotel I stayed in was actually better than the one I had in RO2. Hehe.

Early morning, my guide and I went to the market to buy kasoy..lots and lots of it. Sweetened and fired.. Who cares I just want kasoy. Then I had my breakfast and fixed my stuff. I was brought to the airport by the hotel service and checked in without any trouble.

Midflight I plugged my earphones and listened to some music. All were love songs and my thoughts brought me to that one girl. I've thought about her and started missing her. I broke down to tears when love without time was playing. Its an old song with a heartfelt lyrics..

If you happen to know the owner of this feet, please let her know I miss her so.

Labels: love, my thoughts exactly, relationships, travel, wala lang, work related angst

packing

I'm heading down to PP,Palawan for work. It would have been great if I'm going on a vacation. Hehe. I woke up early today so I could pack my bag but until now, I'm still in bed tossing and turning. It's just an overnight trip and I'll be back friday. I'm bringing my camera just in case I get to see places.

Will.post.pics. :)

Don't tell anyone I'm excited.

Labels: desires, God is good, travel, work related angst

I turned 35

Today I reached another milestone in my life. And I couldn't help but feel grateful for all the blessings that I have received. For I know God loves me so much that he has given me my family, my friends, my work and he continously guide me everyday to do what is right.

Early this month I made wishes everyday considering that this is my birthday month.. However, I stopped it cause I got really pissed and so disillusioned that I felt wishes are non-sense.

I was wrong. Wishes do come true when it is the right time. Nothing can stop you if it belongs to you and it is the right time to have it. :)

I received beautiful presents.a birthday blowout..a lacoste shirt.. And G's time and her tingling and quivering gift. :)

Turning 35 isn't bad after all. To all the people who remembered and made this day special.. A big thank you to all of you. Xoxo.

Labels: desires, family, God is good, love, relationships

conquering north

After my trip to ROII I was asked to go to ROI to be a resource speaker. So I once again packed my bags and headed north. I went to la union and stayed overnight. After my lectures, I decided to give Baguio a visit. It's been a long time since I was in the city of pines. Stayed somewhere near burnham park so I can immediately raid the market when daytime comes. It was raining in Baguio and I had a flashback of that hotel, of session road and the cool weather I have come to love so much.

Time had passed by yet I remember it too vividly. It was also raining when I made the decision that changed my life. It was 4 years ago and I felt the need to ponder on and ask myself for forgiveness.. For being the meanie that I was, for being so confused.. For my impulsiveness. I have to forgive myself and accept the road that I had chosen for myself. And I should own responsibility to accept that event changed us. It changed me, it changed G, P and the world we live in. It is unfair to expect that I can have what I had in the past. Change is the only permanent thing in this world. To yearn for something from my past is wrong and selfish. Especially if commitment has already been promised to someone else. Time to accept that now.

As I walk pass mcdonalds, I remembered everything too well. The confusion, the pain and the need to an easy way out. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and With a deep sigh I hailed a cab and headed to the place I was staying in.

I have to forgive myself for that night in Baguio. Nobody has the right to hurt someone. I am not proud ive hurt someone along the way. In fact, it was one of the hardest thing a person could do.. To make a choice. To choose knowing someone will surely get hurt. I dont have the right to hurt anybody. For that, I am sorry.

Hopefully next time when I visit, Baguio will have a new meaning in my life. BAGUIO would mean warm embraces, hot kisses, fiery love, warmth, passion and vibrant colors. Just like the way it was supposed to be. :)

Labels: God is good, love, moments, self-love, travel, work related angst

my bestfriend J

My bestfriend J and I came all the way from college.. A long long time ago. We literally grew up together, experiencing stuff and going places. I would always stay at their home in las pinas just so we could go to the mall, get our nails done and window shop. She's a generous and a protective friend. Then she had to migrate. All of a sudden, I am by myself. But I was in law school and she would regularly call me. She came home for my bar exams in 2002 and again a month before my Nanay died.

The period in between, I lived my life according to what made me happy but I never told her anything about what's goin on with me or whom I am goin out with. I told J about G and she told me to stop whatever it is. She knows too well how this kind of relationship goes and she said I will only hurt myself. I took it by the ear and hope she'd change her mind and accept my decision. Of course, everything changed when the G came to las pinas to get me and I had to decide between my bestfriend and G. I went with G anyway and I didn't care if J would feel hurt or betrayed.

Our relationship went blah after that. I actually received a card from J that reads: To my bestfriend, you hurt me the most.

At the time, I didn't know what she's talking about.. Or probably, I just wanted to be with G so much I don't care if I lose her. So after all these years, j and I never really talked and I felt we drifted apart.

G said that I am her bestfriend too. But J said it was so because we were in a relationship. Honestly, I am feeling the way J felt when I suddenly took off. I am hurting cause the G left, just like that.

Anyway, I messaged J two days ago cause I am really feeling the blues, I didn't really expect her to reply but she did. She asked me how am I doing and told her what's goin on with me. Still fighting the odds to be happy. Her reply made me cry. She said, I am still here. I am just waiting for you. We're unconditional towards each other you know that. Lab.

I cried and cried. No matter how stupid you might think it is. I cried because I am grateful that there is still someone out there who loves me unconditionally.

I am going to new york by hook or by crook.

Labels: friends, God is good, ikaw kasi, just venting out, relationships

sarcastically funny

The development with the G left me crying half of the way home. It was in the darkness that I decided to be still and just let everything go. I was able to talked to her before I reached home but it didn't change anything. Everything is the same. All is as it was. So I rested.. Slept the whole day.. Ate my meals amd slept some more. I dreamnt of her..in my dreams I plead and literally ran after her. But she was firm in her decision to put everything on a halt.

And just like everytime the G would make me feel this way-- the ex would suddenly pop out of the blue. I got messages from P, which I really dont care about. It's just the timing is funny and if I weren't feeling bad-- this would have been a laughing moment for me. I also got a message from the guy I met weeks ago in greenbelt asking me for a date.. Hmmm.. Not really bad at all, I am seriously considering dating this guy. He is scaring the shit out of me pero bahala na si batman. If the means would justify the ends.. Then so be it.

Naalala ko lang kanina na nung nakaraang taon.. Sa twing mawawala si G at magpaparamdam si P... Umiiyak ako habang nirereplyan ko si P. Iyak ng iyak dahil andun na naman ako. Tulad lang ng pag iyak ko nung panahon na iniisip ko kalimutan si G at magmahal ng iba. I cried coz I cant imagine myself loving another. Engs di ba? Naisip ko lang na nung panahon namin ni G, kahit wala kaming vows at sinasabi nya palagi akong wala.. At kung anu anu pang isyu, Alam ko binigay ko buong puso ko.

Hayaan nalang siguro. Sabi naman ni susan.. Magmamahal ako ulit, may magmamahal ulit sa akin.. May mga bagay palang kasi akong dapat ayusin.

Sana dumating na yun.

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out, relationships, self-love

sorry

Yesterday I made a wish when I was in piat. Today, I discovered that wishes do not come true. I am embarassed to admit that I was subjected again to rejection. She doesn't want me feeling this way. Getting worried and missing her so is one huge sin that made her turn her back on me. She ended it with a Sorry and I realized how easy it is for this person to break me in pieces.. How easy it is for her to just pull me out of her life. It was a unilateral decision on her part as it has always been. Wounded and hurt, I have to push myself to turn my back and walk away from the only person I ever wanted. I have to be strong for myself, have to give up niceties cause they're just bs anyway. I have learn how to be cold.. To survive.. and to be better.

The truth is I don't matter to her. Something I have to accept and get over with. It was just a text.. I just wanted to know she is ok.. And that didn't matter to her. To her, I was just being clingy or expecting too much.

Today, I gave my lecture with a heavy heart and no matter how good it was.. It was just not as satisfying as having someone to share it with. I pray I get better and finally be able to let my guia go. I do not want this struggle anymore. There is no fairy tale..at least not for me.

A few days before my birthday, I stop making wishes. They just don't come true.

Happy birthday, koni.

Labels: ikaw kasi, my thoughts exactly, self-love

hay pag-ibig

Im in tugegarao tonight. Been thinking of the G. Sabi nya we'd text this morning cause I should know the reason why. And I do. It just that she did not contact me. She just disappeared. I tried not to text her but unfortunately, I texted her thrice today. It left a bad taste in the mouth cause i'm encountering a very familiar emotion. It can't be.. And my sister said I should not expect when I told her the G hadn't contacted me.

Oh well.. Guess i'll be going back to susan.. Though I read everyday, I think I need her more tonight.

G, I miss you a lot and I know you have a lot going on for you. Please forgive me I sometimes wish you're mine. The feeling of it leaves me breathless, content and happy. I know you don't need me in your life and I am trying very hard to be better. Totoo. I want to be better so I can finally be worthy. Ewan.. I think alcohol is doing this.. I can still clearly remember you refusing to talk about love. But dear, I do love you. Even at times when I wanted to hate you-- I still love you. Everynight, I regret the decisions I made and wish so hard na sana ako na lang.. Na sana ako na lang yung mahal mo. Gusto ko malaman mo na minahal kita, minamahal kita at alam ko, mamatay at mabuhay man ako ulit.. Alam ko na mamahalin pa rin kita. Please forgive me for feeling this way. I never want to tell you this.. I dont have the courage to do that and I don't think I could take rejection again.

Sana madali magmahal.

ps

I wish I could have that reassuring embrace that no matter how messed up everything seems--life will be okay and we'll always have each other.

It is just so comforting to know that someone cares enough to stand by your side, hold your hand and take the jump with you. La lang.. :)


Thank you for the pringles.

Labels: God is good, ikaw kasi, relationships

tuguegarao

so i am going away for 3 days. i'm off to the north to provide technical assistance to the regional office. i don't want to go but the interest of the public demands it..

yesterday, we celebrated my sister's birthday at Yakimix Trinoma. The G was there too.. and for the span of more or less 24 hours.. i just know life is better when she's in it. I miss her today but i had to wait until it is my turn again. I am not the patient type but try to be patient everyday. I try to focus on things that need my attention and that include myself. So i work.. tire myself from travel.. so i can have my prize, that is, her company.

I love the fact that i can openly talk to my sister about her, kaya lang ang hirap when ate would start asking questions about nasan na sya.. i missed my chance to be that one girl.

anyway, i am leaving tomorrow morning and be back on friday. i wish i could see her this weekend. i really do miss her but i just have to be still.

Labels: God is good, self-love, travel, work related angst

mcle 3

I was surprised to know that this is my 3rd compliance already. Time flew pass.. I have never considered myself old until today. Hehe. The lectures were okay and I found myself drowsing through legal ethics. I am with my friend E and R so it was not really that bad.

Had isaw after our class. Yummy. :)

My wish for today: the most important thing a person can give you is her time. So my wish for today, I wish someone would actually move heaven and earth just to be with me. Yun lang.

Labels: self-love

mid-30s

I went undertime today and found myself in easrwood city. I have been here before. Probably twice at most, once with friends and once with G. It's a friday night and i should have been rockin yet i found myself alone in mcdonalds listening to all the yapping and blabbering of the kids in the area.

Actually, i didn't expect to be alone. I was hoping i could hang out with the balikbayan or even meet with freaking guy i met in greenbelt a week ago. I know i have to be in school tomorrow.. And i shouldnt be out wandering. I am quite sleepy and tired from today's work but nonetheless, i am here now. And though i don't know what the hell i am doing here, i'll just have to make the most of it.

I am hungry. But i am not willing to surrender my seat just because my small intetines are being swallowed by my large intestines. Id probably grab something late before i head home.

It's march 2 today, 24 days before i turn 35. Everyday i will make a wish.

For today, i wish for the love that will sweep me off my feet.