rants and ramblings

all sorts of thoughts

How come when the bosses are around, the work load doubles or even triples..? When we were having our session break, my world was clear... it was stress free. After 4 days, my back is starting to ache... Lots of people go to the office now so I don't really have the time to be lax.

I was able to talk to ailes this afternoon and she's worrying bout the "in-house" she's supposed to have come BAR 2003. I told her that she ought to talk to us.. but she said that she doesn't want to imposed on us... Hmmm.. It is ok with me..cause I have my job now, somehow I can spare few pesos for her. Cause that's what friends are for right? Helping each other when in need. And I do know how expensive it is to take the bar. Been there, Been that! (i know, i know!! You don't have to tell me I got it all wrong!)

There are so many thoughts inside my head and my heart.. and I can't seem to let them all out.. I'm trying though... But I just can't express it.

and it pains me.

nagging truth

It’s been 2 days since the coup against the Arroyo administration. Yesterday, Congress resume to session and the President gave her state of the nation address. A lot of people were kind disappointed because many issues were not discussed. Primarily included is the PPA (power purchase adjustment) which really makes our lives miserable… then there is the sad fact that the President didn’t mention that it would be her last S.O.N.A.

Today, Sen. Honasan gave his privilege regarding the Sunday incident and washed his hands clean. I do believe that Capt. Trillanes and his men were taken advantage of by some politicians. It’s a sad realization but that’s how I see it. They are facing charges of mutiny.

There are just things that you have to learn the hard way.

state of rebellion

The whole country was put into state of rebellion yesterday when 296 soldiers took over Oakwood Hotel in order to air their grievances.

Last night, around quarter to ten -- the said soldiers put down their arms and walked out of Oakwood. The negotiation went well.. it saved a lot of lives and lots of pain. Captain Trillanes, one of the officials in the said take over, was interviewed last night. There was no sign of relief in his statements -- for he knows that the demands and the reform that they were asking will be remain to be promises... that the promises that was made by the administration will never push through.

I did feel sad that they wanted change badly that they were willing to risk lives, both their own and others as well. I was so relieved that it's over and no one got hurt.

Captain Trillanes is a bright man, full of vision and idealism. He is one of those people who's brave enough to challenge the world for a change. Hats off to you good gentleman!

coup de`etat

after several hours

I was able to hear the side of the junior officers before the 5 o'clock period lapsed. They said that they were just airing their grievances...and they can't possibly ask the help of their superiors because they were part of the problem. I know that in one way, I sympathize with them.. cause like them-- I'm also an idealist. I believe that there should be equality among all people.. and that we should all enjoy the benefit of living in a democratic society.

We still have a stand-of in Makati... and I am afraid. I'm afraid because they are young. I'm afraid because they are fathers, brothers, sons, sisters and daugthers. That if things would come to worst -- there would be no winners.. only losers.

.................

EARLIER TODAY

Something bad is happening to my country at the moment. There's a coup attempt against the present administration, it started early this morning when Group of Junior Officer , armed, went to MAKATI area and take over the OAKWOOD Hotel.

They left their detailed post in the visayas and brought with them their arms, then proceeded to Manila.

President Arroyo already made a press conference regarding this. She gave the officers until 5 pm to surrender their arms and go back to barracks. She likewise mentioned about the loyalty and their committment to the Flag. The promise that they will uphold the Constitution and protect it by all means.

It's a scary thought.. the first time that I experienced a coup was during the Aquino administration. I was young then, I don't have the fears that I have now. What if they overtake the government? What if they establish a military form of government? What if they disregard the 5 o'clock warning and use their guns?

It's scary because it reminds of the People Power II, wherein abusive people will try to use this coup to get what they want. The people that rallies whatever administration is running the government, people that were not satisfied whatever it is that you give them. You give them dictatorship -- and they balked. You give them Freedom and democracy -- they protest.

They are doing this for idealism, they said.

reminisce

Last night, I went to bed with the pc on and fell asleep listening to my mp3s. And today, when I woke up – I opened my computer and play again my songs. I should have cleaned my room or the house – but then, I have decided to write. “Write about what?” I asked myself. I know its so early in the morning and there’s nothing important or significant that have happened to me yet.. However listening to the songs made me remember the people that have somehow touched my life one way or another.

Listening… I wonder what’s going on with their lives.. Wondering if they think of me once in a while. I really can’t say if I have touched their lives like they have touched mine. Whether I had good memories of them or otherwise… I know they have contributed to what makes me who I am today.

Reminiscing to me is a sentimental journey. Remembering old faces… people that once were here and now gone. People that made me laugh and even those who made me cry.

Humans got this weird attitude towards life. We always think that what’s on the other side of the fence is good for us. When you’re single, you wish you are married.. And you convince yourself that it’s the only thing that would make you absolutely happy. But then I know of married people who wished they are still enjoying singlehood. I am no exception; I often wonder how it is to be in other person’s shoes. Playing their lives and end up feeling lucky to be simply me. Maybe that is human nature – wondering what it feels like to be in the shoes of someone else. Man struggle with constant discontentment and relentless wishing for things that you didn’t have.

This is so weird – as songs play one after the other, my thoughts fleet from one thought to another. Hence, different emotions per paragraph. I wish I could write more steadily. I guess I need to stop this sentimental trek or else I would just end up feeling sad.

I think of you once in a while.

you know you're poor if..

Late this afternoon, I went malling with judy... then on our way home, we passed by a woman with loads of groceries. Then judy started to talk about how grocery had been a big factor in her life. She always thought that they were rich cause she was able to get the things that she really like. I, then, started to talk about how poor we were.. Of course, we're still not rich but we're not that poor anymore. I remembered saying to Judy that-- It's hateful to be poor. heheheeh... Anyway, You know you're poor if:

1. Your mom takes back all the things that you have thrown in the grocery cart.
2. Your mom taps your hand so you won't be able to wave for a taxi.
3. Your mom threatens to leave you with the saleslady because you want her to buy you that toy.
4. Your mom lets you sit on her lap so that she would just have to pay for one person.
5. Your classmates uses branded notebooks and you use one with Manilyn Reynes as a cover.
6. Your friends go to Europe for vacation and you can't even go to Cebu.
7. You just have to settle for hand me downs.
8. You always pretend you are rich.
9. You daydream of becoming rich.
10. You social climb. Hehehehehe...

Anyway, now that I have work... I can buy things and be not afraid that Nanay would leave me with the saleslady. I can buy anything I want in the grocery without her taking it out of the cart... Actually, sometimes its things that she picks out thats being taken out. Bwahahhahaha! I get to ride the taxi whenever I need to and whenever i got the money to spend. Uhmm.. I'm not saying that we're rich... in fact we are still poor and we still have financial difficulties. The only difference is that, we are grown ups now and we're able to have simple indulgences that life has to offer.

suddenly stateside

We were asked to go home early today because of the typhoon "HARUROT".. so my officemates and I decided to go malling instead of going home. We went to Shangrila Plaza in Mandaluyong. We had our late lunch and some chitchats, sharing experiences and stories as we were growing old (im still young though...hehehe) and talking about other people's lives. Then Judy and I went to National Bookstore since I really wanted to buy a book.

I went to the Philippine Literature section and try to make a choice... Then I saw this book, "SUDDENLY STATESIDE". Its a compilation of funny essays on Pinoy life in america. It reminded me of Jane and how she's coping up with her new life, in a new a country. And I do wonder whether Jane feels the same way too. So far, I'm enjoying it and I've decided to read it slowly... one story at a time. heehehhe...

a not so happy thought

Happiness.

People struggle to be happy. They constantly strive to lead a complete and happy life. They work hard, sweat a lot, and live with faith to be able to get it. Some get what they want, and some just constantly struggle. And when I feel that I am having a big fight with life… when things don’t go the way that I have prayed they would – depression envelops me. That’s the time that I thank God I have my friends, my family and my journal.

Though I don’t share much of my problems with my friends, they have comforted me a million times just by being there. I have appreciated the times that my best friend saved me from depression by being with me. She would ask me to hangout with her, sharing our thoughts and emotions, talking endlessly – reassuring and comforting me that better things would come my way.

While I’m close to my family, I don’t share with them problems. As much as possible, I would like to solve my predicament on my own. I do not want my parents and siblings to worry about me. They provide me the support to stay strong and again believe in myself.

My journal is my silent companion. When I don’t want to be judged or I just want to let it all out without bugging anybody – my journal provides me the soundboard that I need. More often than not – it helped me with my heartaches and feeling of loneliness. Somehow, it eases the pain that I feel and gives me the release that I badly needed.

It saddens me that there are times that I can’t be there physically for my friends. Distance is one of life’s big jokes. We just have to settle talking over the phone or be secured in the knowledge that we’re there for each other. So far, my friends and I are still struggling to find our own happiness. We continuously search for that thing that would provide us the greatest happiness yet. Though I cannot consider my friends unhappy… I know they are still searching… just like me, for that lasting bliss. There’s no assurance that it will come, I’m not even sure if it will – but I do hope that time will come we would all live a life of contentment, a life rich in respect and love.

Yes, I might still be searching but I am not discouraged. I will keep faith to the fact that we are ENTITLED to be happy. I have to remain optimistic that it will come. I will not lose hope that one day it will find us.. & it would stay.

irony and what ifs

Life is full of funny and irritating incidents. Life is a big Irony. We get the things that we pray for in a wrong package, or get them at a wrong time. But nevertheless, we enjoy and savor the moment. Living and trying to make the best out of it. We always find a way to make the best of every situation we find oureselves in.

Funny that you fall in love with a person that your parents find repulsive... or a person that your friends fine unlikable. And yet despite this fact -- you remain steadfast in your belief that this is meant to be... you remain in your conviction that you also deserve to be happy. Life is about making decisions.. and love is about making sacrifices.

Though a relationship may only last for an hour -- a day -- or a year..it doesn't matter. What's important is the fact that even for a second, you became unbearably happy. To the eyes of the other people, you may just be "settling" for what you have... to them you got no other choice, no other options. But that is not the case -- you are not just "settling" -- you are trying to make the BEST out of it. You are making the situation beneficial for both parties.

Each and everyone of us aims to be happy. We have fervently prayed for happiness.. but what if that happiness will cost a lot of pain? Will you give up on that happiness to save your loved ones from pain? What if you find yourself in a situation that is unnatural to others? What if you are asked to make a decision.. What if you are asked to make sacrficies? What if choosing one would mean losing another? What if...

fugee

Today, I met someone from the office.. well actually not "meet" cause I don't know his name. But when we rode the MRT, I talked to him and try to talk to him into buying insurance. Hehehehe.. he's really cute. And when I say CUTE. He definitely is. Hope to see him around. hehehehehe!

I don't feel well today -- it's because of the heat! Waaahhhhh!

deceit

This would be the first and last time that I would speak of the deceit that I have committed. It took me two years to be able to speak of it without feeling guilty.

I was then new to the hobby of the Generation X, which is called -- Chatting. At first, I was skeptical about it. I mean, how could you enjoy talking to faceless people? How could you build a friendship out of this virtual thing? I really don't know how this thing works, till my cousin taught me and my sister how to use this MIRC thing. He said it is natural to lie about yourself since they are just temporary passerbys. So, I believed it is natural for chatmates to lie. Lying about your age and what you look like.

Believing that everybody else was doing it, I sent out pictures of my cousin claiming that it was me. And they believed it to be so until I was caught.

Eventually, I got myself a cyber-boyfriend... and I sent him the picture of my cousin. He believed that it was me. Naturally, he was so proud -- where on earth could he get a bright and beautiful girlfriend? It wouldn't have been complicated had he not posted the darn picture to the Homepage of the channel where I usually stay. Then, it was unstoppable -- people would take one look at that picture and they all wanted to be my friends. Especially the guys -- they're all very interested. The attention that was given to me gave me mixed emotions -- Fun, Fright and Irritation. Fun because men do what i say. Fright because I know what I'm doing is wrong.. And irritation because only beauty matters to them.

I thought I had it all planned. I have the options to quit, tell the truth and then quit, or just weave another story that would suit me. I was waiting for the perfect time to execute one of the options... then I got discovered.

My bestfriend also keeps a channel and a homepage, posted there was my true picture. Then one day, cyber bf comes to the said channel ... and browse around the homepage.. then BOOM. I was found out.

We cyber-broke up (hehehe) and he didn't talk to me no matter how I explain. He just ignored me. Consequently, I stopped trying to explain and just go on with my life. I believe I owe some people an explanation since some of them have become my online companions.They listened very well and told me that they understood.. in short, they have forgiven me. Despite knowing that, I know that they have not forgotten. I was wrong and I learned my lesson....

Hmmm... what is the point of this entry? I have learned to accept the fact that I've made a mistake. I was sorry for doing it and I have tried prevent it from re-happening, but then there are people out there who just force me to do it.

Yeps.. I still do it once in a while... And I would still do it if only to teach these bastards a lesson. I know it's not right -- but it would be worth it. I do find it odd that people would really expect intelligent, beautiful women to waste their time online, talking to peaheads like them. Idiots..

I want to ...

If I am to talk about the things that I want.. This entry would be endless. Just like everybody else searching.. I want to fall in love.. So that finally, I would know how it is to be needed and loved. I have resigned myself to wait, for I know that God had it all planned. Waiting for Mr. Right is quite irksome, especially when you reach the age of maturity. It is quite alarming when one by one your friends and cousins starts to have their own family.

Yes, I am alarmed. This has been my issue from the start -- if you would read my past entries.. my problem lies with the matters of the heart. I have been lonely for too long and I am now starting to wonder whether this loneliness had made my heart cold as stone. At this age, I am starting to worry.. and I'm beginning to feel afraid. I'm afraid that I would die realizing that I lived my life alone... I'm afraid that I will grow old alone.. I'm afraid that when time comes and I analyze my life, I would discover that nobody, except my parents and friends, was capable of loving me.

I don’t have the figure that would make men turn to have a second look, I don't have the perfect skin that glow like a pearl, nor do I have the face that would make men stare and sigh. All I have is this imaginative brain, my warmth, my crazy ideas and love of laughter. The world is full of superficial people. They don’t see the warmth of your smile, only the size of your breast. They don’t care bout the values that you have, only your opinions on sex. They see what is on the outside, and then decides whether they should get to know you or something to that effect.

Yes, this is a superficial world. Sadly, I don’t belong to the 2 million supermodels in the world. I was born to belong to the populace who endlessly struggle to make themselves look good… or in the least presentable. People have deluded themselves into thinking that beauty is goodness.

Nobody wants to be lonely. But temporary happiness doesn’t make the loneliness go away. Deep down, you are still the lonely you. I have been rejected, expressly and impliedly before. I have been a victim of mockery, when I was growing up. Everyday, little by little people robbed me of my confidence. They have used different ways to take it away. And often times I find myself feeling insecure. I really hate it when that happens.

I write this way cause at the moment, I don’t feel too confident about myself. I write with hope that God would be able to hear my angst and provide a remedy for it. I write with faith that God will not permit me to grow old lonely and alone. I write with a fervent prayer that love, passionate and true... will find me.

My niece gave me a bookmark with this inscription. ”Love wherever it comes from looks the same..” So, I shall be waiting..

pathetic bitch

When I wrote my last entry, I was quite sure that my life again has started to become routinary. And I have secretly asked GOD to give spice in my life... splash some color... give me something to write about. And I must admit and tell it to your face, GOD HEARS ALL PRAYERS. Yep, yep! He did hear mine...but it didn't turn out to be the "spice" that I have been waiting for. When it happened, I really really felt bad and I just wanted to slap that pathetic bitch's face.

Anyway, the "spice" that GOD gave my so-called life is work-related.. and since my work is entwined with Politics and Public Service.. it is the type of work that don't play fair. It just don't -- people would think the worst of you. Since I am handling the case on pyramiding, people call me up to ask me for updates, or news about the inquiry. They inform me of what is happening to them. Well basically, at first, I was thrilled because it is public service. Believing that I will reap what I sow... I serve the people with utmost sincerity. I entertain them and try to serve them even at lunchtime. But with the way that things are turning.. I think I'm going to start to bang the phone on their heads. I'm getting tired of answering questions like "SA TINGIN MO, MAIBABALIK BA ANG PERA NAMIN?" OR "KELAN ANG SUSUNOD NA HEARING?" OR "SABIHIN MO NAMAN SA BOSS MO NA ASIKASUHIN ANG KASO NAMIN." Sometimes, I just want to yell at them and tell them that WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR STUPIDITY! YOU TOOK THE RISK, BEAR THE LOSS. Anyway, before I get lost .. Today somebody called me up and said that he visited the pathetic bitch (she's involve in syndicated estafa and stole billions of pesos) and asked her when is she going to pay. The stupid investor mentioned my name and told her "She said" stuff. And to which the pathetic bitch replied "E Yun? Nanghihingi nga sa akin ng 300 Million pesos yun eh". THAT FUCKING REPLY JUST FREAKED ME OUT. ME? Asking for 300 Million pesos? That's a lot of BULLSHIT.

I never did not steal - She did. I'm not used to lying - She is a chronic liar. It's a good thing I am secured in my values. My parents raised me properly. Deep in my heart, I believe in KARMA and the most important thing of all -- I fear GOD.

Whew.. that was quite a steam. Fuck you pathetic Bitch.. you're going to rot in jail...


PS: Im watching TV, watching the INC. headbash Ang Dating Daan.. and vice versa... and they are PATHETIC.