rants and ramblings

dear 2011,

the year is almost through.. and before i forget to list down the things i am thankful for 2011-- i am writing today. :) somehow i was able to get on track and earned the trust of my boss. I was given the Division Chief post and finally had the numerous opportunity to be officer-in-charge of the office. :) I traveled a lot this year due to work but it was worth the fun and the experience.

the emotional pain that i go through will be over somehow.. and I thank you for teaching me valuable lessons about life and living. I am thankful that I hurled the trials and is finally in the process of getting better.

Thank you for the friends that i keep and those losers that i met along the way. They taught me important lessons that i will never forget.

Lastly, thank you for promoting my boss. :) you have been a better year both in career and financial aspects of my life. I was able to save some.. i lost some as well.. but i would like to think that i am financially stable at the moment. As much as i hate leaving you 2011.. it has to be done cause it's just getting better. :)

Thank you 2011, until then.

me.

Labels: comedy, God is good, work related angst

happy holidays

happy holidays blogger! i got my christmas wish.. something no amount of money can buy.. and i am grateful that i was given the chance to have something so beautiful. it was so fast that it was almost surreal. but what's important i guess is the fact that i know, what transpired between then and now-- were true. i love the fragrance left behind.. the smell on my bed and pillows.. the look that bore down deep to my soul.

i wish it could lasted a minute more.. but we have reality to deal with. but in spite of that, it was a beautiful gift and truly, i am thankful.

happy holidays.

Labels: God is good, my thoughts exactly

update

it's the 23rd of December and i am in the Office. Everybody has gone to their christmas holidays-- and i am here.. trying to figure out whether i should open this case file here. I don't feel like working at all. What i want to do is ransack the market and get everybody something not really expensive but special. The office is quiet.. not much activity is going on.. and it's going to be like this until next week. so anyway, i have been reading and i have been listening. and after all those self-nurturing, I had my 1st test yesterday and I think i failed it. Why? cause no matter how much reading i do, there's just no getting over my G.

reading and learning made me realize that i am also a bananahead. I am using other people as an escape. escape from what you might ask.. escape from the fact that on my own, i will never be able to stand for myself or for what i want cause i am too scared to hurt my Tatay, Ate or any of the members of my nuclear family. So when i eneter into a relationship..whether its bad or otherwise, i use that relationship as my escape. I have admitted that before.. they are my refuge when i am tired of my rural life. That is precisely the reason why despite the fact that a person has done me harm -- I just can't give up my escape route. in the process, i look for an absorber that can give me the same escape so i can let go of whatever is coming my way. that is why i am a bananahead (i think).

second lesson, i have to write down everything I love.. I love:

to have someone hold my hand securely.
smile from people i don't really know (not the malicious type..heller..)
traffic free road
people free mall
short lines
chocolates
giving
receiving gifts
able to buy things
seeing people i want to see
spending quality time with people i love
san miguel light
peanuts
cars
beautiful houses
happy family
hassle free workplace
outputs
friends
spending time with friends
moolah
shoes
bags
perfumes
happiness
strength
courage
overcoming trials
living up to expectations
kind boss
loving sister
doting father
hassle free ride home
food
health
gadgets
travelling
airplane
beaches
sunny sky
white sand
trinkets
kissing
embracing
loving wife
good friend
beautiful movies
books
singing
me.

this is my list so far. hope it expands in the near future. advance merry christmas to all. :)

Labels: family, funny, ikaw kasi, just venting out, self-love

one-liner

Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man, and work like a BOSS!

- napulot ko sa facebook.

Goodnight!

Labels: one liners

self-study

i went to visit the link that the G gave to me. reading the articles, my brain keeps on saying..

yep! that's you alright.. yeah! that's what you felt and that's what you should do!!

it's gives you that moral support to finally start somewhere.

i am relieved that i am not alone in this world and the problems that i encounter have solutions. i just have to deal with my issues one-day-at-a-time until they all die away.

based from my readings, i think i have become co-dependent. i lose myself in my relationships. superhero syndrome had me thinking i can solve all problems in this world. abandonment issues or rather fear of being alone. hmm what else can i think of? on the bright side, when you love a crazy person it doesn't mean you're crazy too. that's a relief!

So there. admission no. 1. my co-dependency. it probably rooted from my low self-esteem.. as in low, low, low.. that i believe nobody will actually take the risk to love me. that is subrooted to the fact that i am not pretty enough, sexy enough.. fairer enough to catch anybody's attention. yeah, beneath all these i am insecure of my body and my face. how do i solve that? by mentioning the things i love about me of course.. hehe. (sabay bawi) well physically i think i can carry any clothes i wear.. even my birthday suit.. i have eyes that sparkle when i smile.. when i smile at a person it warms their hearts (i just know it)... i have smooth skin (but someone i know is smoother..) hmmm.. that's about for now. i'm going to add more in the future.

so there blogger, goodnight.

Labels: life, self-love

being good to you..

I didn't have any plans of staying late in the office. but i saw her get online. even before i hesitate, i already sent her a private message. back to zero again. what the heck, i can always restart i say. but the talk was different.. should i say, friendly? i just know that only honesty will clear the air. and it did.

just a little after seven, i bid the G farewell and she gave me link. she said i should follow, and though it maybe hard, do what is said. she said she might lose me by giving me this link but in the end, she knows i'll be better. when that time comes, she and i (the G and me) will have dinner.

in the meantime, i have to work on getting better. the G, thank you.

so it's a brand new day blogger. rainy.. but hopefully better.

Labels: family, love, self-love

kwento lang

siguro nagulat ka dahil nakatanggap ka ng text galing sa akin sa disoras ng gabi. at tulad ng iba pang text, deadma lang. siguro naitanong mo sa sarili mo kung ano ang problema ko? siguro rin pag nalaman mo ang problema ko, lalo kang magtatago.. at magpaparamdam nalang after 20 years. simple lang naman eh.. ako ang problema.

AKO.

mahina ako. at sa tuwing iiwan mo ko sa ere-- nagkakataon na nakakatagpo kami ulit ni P. hindiko yun sinasadya, kusa lang siyang dumarating. lilibangin niya ako.. binibigyan ng importansya.. gaya ng ginawa niya tatlong taon ng nakalilipas. it feels good to be wanted and needed. and i am too weak to run away. she has asked me a lot of times kung kami and i never did reply. i say, yaan mo na kung ano meron ngayon. enjoy while it last.

and it has become a cycle. A cycle that i just have to deal with everytime. G would make her presence known and i would totally ignore P. then G will leave, and P will come to my rescue or whatever para libangin ako o lapastangin ako.. di ko alam. All i can say it that sometimes when it seems that the whole world is ignoring you, a little attention will mean a lot. when you have nothing, you appreciate everything. even small things. a text, a note.. a hello and a hi.

honestly, i am tired of this cycle. it feels like a recurring event and i just know beyond G and P, someone greater or better is out there. Or not. i don't really know.

Outside my window is life. beyond my four walls... beyond my comfort zone, is the adventure that i want to experience but too scared to take. I thought it would be G who would accompany me to that adventure, my catalyst.. the one person who could truly push me to do what i want. but she's gone to her own adventure, leaving me here.

I'll be 35 next year and I am thinking of getting a birthday present for me. something unexpected from someone so mediocre like myself.

la lang. naikwento ko lang.

Labels: desires, moments, relationships, wala lang

one-liner

when you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.

Labels: ikaw kasi, one liners

wishy,wishy..washy

i had fun at our 78th anniversary... and i am thankful to God that HE blessed me with a washing machine! :) well it cost me 1,500 pesos to bring it home tonight-- but what the heck, it is here!

i brought my not-so-sosi camera to the event and captured memories of wonderful people. enjoy!

Labels: God is good, work related angst

getting there

so after a few days.. here i am writing again.. actually feeling better. Thanks to my good, reliable friends. But I never did expect to hear her name so early in the morning or even news about her. It got me off-balance. I just have to run to my room, connect to the internet and let it this out. I am happy though that she's doing great.. I was just unprepared. I really do not know if something is wrong with me for feeling that way-- or i've really gone crazy. I do hope someday soon, i'll be able to get my answers.

In the meantime, I am having a great week at work. So effing laidback. :) Going to SMX today to celebrate our 78th anniversary. Hope I win the house and lot or the 26k moolah. If i get the moolah-- i'll drink to my hearts content. If i get the house and lot, imma sell it and then transfer somewhere else. that is my game plan, don't tell anybody. =D

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out, work related angst

sunday morning

i just spent half of the night waiting for G. sleeping but subconsciously waiting. it's been raining last night-- what if she comes? i want to be awake so i can open the door fast. but she didn't. so here i am, lacking sleep and feeling shitty.

but there were signs. i just chose to ignore them. just like the way she ignored me. so why did i still wait? cause in my stupid head i thought i am worthy of her time. so much for someone so insignificant. i am hurt and it's all my fault i didn't listen to the warnings. why do i have to be so effing stubborn? how could i ever forget not to play with fire? so alright, i'll say this again.. i brought this to myself. this is something i felt and did on my own. i have to own responsibility for it.

i have lost her too many times in the past and if she doesn't want me in her life...i think i can handle it one more time.

in this world where only a few matters, i don't think my presence or absence makes any difference in her life.

time to do what is right. i am letting it slide.

Labels: i am pissed, ikaw kasi, just venting out

movies misleads

how come in the movies they can easily let the person they love go? in a typical scene, the man/woman would confess about falling in love with someone else and how they're very sure that this is the one. and then, the person being dumped would just say-- i want you to be happy and boom. they move out of the scene. how come the movies don't show that you don't let go of the person you love. fuck, not without a good fight. not without leaving stones unturned. not without doing desperate acts just to get him/her back. to the point that nothing you could ever do would make that other person to take you back, so you just give up. dapat ganun. because that is reality.

E said it's the movies, if they will capture everything it'll take more time to finish.

which is of course true but the point is, it will never be easy. and a single scene for this is not enough i guess.

that's why i love One More Chance, The Notebook and When Harry met Sally (among others!). these movies i really relate to. something you can immerse in.

yeah, they should make them like that.

Labels: just venting out, my thoughts exactly

...

all i know is, love never dies.
true love never dies.
it's always there lurking in the deepest crevices of our hearts.
resurfacing for air when we allow it.
- from little blackbook

Labels: my thoughts exactly