it's a holiday today. last day of november.. bukas december na. i can almost smell the 10k bonus ni Pnoy.. a few days more and it's christmas.. how i wish my christmas is different this year but it won't. yes, admittedly for a couple of years now-- my holidays were better (read: i am not brokenhearted or something) but they were definitely routinary. the only difference is that since Nanay passed on, we are determined to celebrate it away from our home.
i don't want to believe that the Christmas spirit has totally abandoned me. but the truth is, i do not feel it. maybe if something grand and beautiful will happen then i'll get my zest back and probably believe in santa claus again.
but for now, all i am looking forward to is the bonus and nothing more.
at first glance they may seem synonymous. but they're not. really.
me: mare ang hanging out ba at spending time pareho meaning? wag mo ng itanong jan sa mga kaopisina mo at mga bobo sila.
E:hidni nman ako nagtatanong sa mga tao dito tsaka mga jologs cla kaya malamang d nila alam tingin ko mare mas malalim kung spending time kesa hanging out
me: tama ka run kasi ako i use spending time
E: namputsa nagtatanonmg ka ba
me: hindi hanging out hindi
E: o tinetest mo kung alam ko hehehe
me: lol nagtatanong ako
E: hehehe
me: kasi yung hanging out, parang walang emotional involvement dun
E: oo
me: you're just having fun
E: ganun nga
me: unlike sa spending time
E: laro laro lang
me: parang ... ur investing parang ganun
E: oo
me: tama
E: hahaha
me: hehehe
E: so ok na un matanong nga dito
me: uhmmm hahaha oo itanong mo jan
E: kung alam nila yan hehehe
me: unahin mo si xxxxx lol
E: hahahaha
me: tignan mo kung alam nila tapos ikwento mo sa akin
- not everything who looks alike are the same. la lang. #realize
"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned." - Song of Solomon 8.6
since the issue of having a filler was raised a couple of days ago. i have found myself a subject. we started communicating since october this year, she's two years older than i am and just came from a 7 year old relationship. when all of a sudden she wanted to be in a relationship with me, i really freaked out. especially when she had everything all planned out. like spending the weekends , holidays and birthdays together. that just blew it...but i think she's nice and most of the time she knows what to say to make my heart feel warm and fuzzy. nonetheless, i resist cause the things that she said are probably too good to be true.
my ex told me to ditch her and a friend told me to do the same thing. i am having second thoughts about it since i am being the selfish bitch that i am again. i enjoy the attention, promises and pleas. i love hearing how much she likes me and really wants to get to know me. aside from that, i get by one day at time not feeling lonely. for that, i really have to thank her.
so, to fill or not to fill?
to fill would mean taking the risk of getting hurt and hurting someone. ditching someone because they're getting too close is something i really dread. to fill would mean having someone to constantly talk to, probably waste time and money on.whereas not to fill would simply mean walking away at this stage. as in drop everything and just be happy with myself. not to fill in would definitely skip the problem area..
dear koni, how stupid can you get? your fairy tales have brought you nothing but misery. why didn't you protect yourself?? how can you let this happen to you again? hindi ka na natuto. nakakainis ka. ang bobo mo.
I wish my weekends can always be like this. having you around, sharing meals with you and your embrace brings me to that space where everything is peaceful. It is addictive and I find myself craving more and more. your heartbeat is like a melody, a music that surrounds me.the curves that is soft and yielding and the smell that is feminine and fragrant. indeed, you are everything beautiful. our talks are intellectual, funny and enlightening.just like what old friends should be (errr). and we are that, we are very, very good friends (errr ulet).
time has always been against us but i am still thankful for every second i get to spend with you. and when you said, i have to see other people so i could be happy..i am sorry i cried. Wish I could have foreseen this..pero tao lang kasi ako. at oo, ako kasi.
you did magnificently in making this weekend one of the greatest. i hope it is enough to sustain me until we see each other again. thank you for time. be safe. *hugs* i love this weekend.
today, i remember my number one woman. she would have been 67 today and i can't believe it's been 4 years.
dear nay,
thank you for the gift of life. for your love, care and sacrifices.. for working hard just to support our studies and daily needs. for being my companion, mentor and best friend. i wish i could be more like you in your strength in dealing with life's challenges. always guide us and keep us safe from harm. i love you nay. i still miss you and it breaks my heart everytime.
i hate it when they started asking questions about the G cause i really do not know what to answer. I just hope they'd leave me alone and take her absence whatever way they like. I really don't need that kind of shit right now.
E was right. and I hate when she's right and I am wrong. Fuck.
I feel like pulling my hair out of my head. really..
probably one of the lessons i learned with my relationship with P is how to accept disappointment gracefully.. or it could probably i've gotten so used to being disappointed-- it just don't matter anymore.. been brushing myself off a lot.. i am getting tired of it. what the heck.. one more time ain't going to kill me.. so for one more fucking time...
la lang. i just hope tomorrow is a better day. this day sucks big time. up to the last minute.. pag swerte ka talaga, swerte ka. no matter how shitty this day is making me feel-- i do hope that life would be kinder to me in the following days. di bale, just brush it off. aayos din lahat.
feeling like i'm constantly in transit. i just want to stay still and wait.. for something i am not sure.. extraordinary perhaps... stability.. or probably something solid that i can touch.. and just within my reach.. though i am afraid.. it is hard to want and not to want at the same time.. i lie still.. take a deep breath.. and dare not move.
don't you just love the smell of cleanliness? we finally got the chance to clean up and declog our house. my itsy bitsy room is now clean and fresh smelling! nakakahiya naman sa bisita ko nung isang araw kasi.. Lol! the air is lighter and the room is airy. :) i simply love it.
will hear Fr. Joey's mass tomorrow.. so i need to sleep early. :) i love sleeping especially in a clean room like this. i hope it stays (clean) a little longer..
truly, cleanliness is next to Godliness. :) goodnight, you..
wrapping my arms around you while you sleep is when i am most at peace.. i have always loved the smell and feel of your skin..its softness and warmth.. the fragrant smell of your breath when you mumble..like a music in the middle of the night... holding you brings me to that place where everything is alright.. everything is beautiful. just like you.
today, P threatened to kill me and all the people that I love (that includes my family...)the reason? i do not want to help her with her problem. she said she will not contact me but i should be careful daw. i told inggo about it... but i wanted to write it here, just in case something bad happens to me. lia patricia priagola. never ever forget that name.
spent short time with the G last night. the reunion with tatay will forever be marked in my heart. i saw the tight embrace... just like a long lost daughter coming home. earlier today, during breakfast-- we invited her to join us in going to Mindoro. i wish she'd go.. i really do. when i told her the schedule-- i know she'd have a hard time coming up with an excuse.. and then she whispered "ikaw kasi...". all i can do is hold her hands tightly knowing what she meant.
i do not know when we will see each other again.. and i hope it is anytime soon.
First day of november today, things that i am looking forward to:
1. all soul's day. a visit to Nanay. --check!! 2. Nanay's birthday. my number 1 woman. 3. a weekend in Mindoro. chance to visit lola mag. :) 4. allowance by first week of november. moolah. 5. bonus!!! --weeeeh! pambayad ng dslr. ampft. 6. traffic. 7. shopping. 8. love. love. love.
