At work
Well so I don’t have to blog when I get home. I decided to upload my recordings of the day before leaving the office. As usual more PEP’s but I decided to use more freedom by surfing abit. I’ve been listening to Gold 90 all day…It’s a great channel where I know and love most of the songs. Sigh the only thing is that it keeps talking about Valentine’s day. Seriously I know it can be celebrated among friends and not necessarily a date. Sigh but it just makes me feel really sad.
I heard over the radio a phantom of the opera song around 10am… All I ask of you. A lot of interesting songs I must say.
Its hard to blog here especially when my colleagues are walking up and down the hallway. Sigh…call me love sick bleagh…work is doing me some good by keeping me busy but the radio seems to be making me feel really bad that I’m trying to drown her out of my mind till I see her but the problem is that I can’t turn off the radio…it’s the only thing that keeps me moving in the office. Or else the day is so quiet with just listening to that stupid advert playing on the TV at the front of the Customer Service counter.
Alright 40 mins till I can go off. Time to back to work and finish up what I can.
1/31/2007 05:17:00 pm
Tuesday, January 30, 2007Ghosts that don't go away
I'm not really talking about Ghosts here actually. More or less a haunting memory.
Its about someone. Someone who means something to me.
It's not that i'll never see her again or anything. The thought of her bites into my daily life, it ebbs away at my sanity. Thank god I have work to keep me busy.
I LOVE MY DESK!!
Its in such a nice place. It definately beats all the other people in the office anyway. Except those in customer services heh. Its out in the main hall. An unused customer service desk.
On my first day i set up my own terminal and prepped my own desk. I love my desk its so spacious and its like something special to me.
I've been checking for Politically Exposed Persons. Quite fun to use the company systems. CM, AS400 and Integra. Just damn confusing at first. Well at least i like my work environment.
Lunch is boring because theres no one to lunch with. Its not exactly common to see teens working in the city area. Although there a few. I guess i'll have to find a way to keep busy. Anyway I'm going to try asking the NTUC peeps from my class to go for dinner. Since I'm damn bored when i get home and the only thing i can do when i get home is to practice sax or flute or go straight to sleep. Sigh
One day i'm going to pick up the guts to ask her to Lunch (when I'm not working at least). The good thing about my job is that i get to listen to the radio although i must do so discreetly but the bad part about it..its so close to Valentine's Day my favourite station Gold 90.5fm keeps playing Love songs...it sorta rubs it in that i won't even have the time nor would she to go out on valentines day. I'm working till 6. She'd probably be barred by her parents. I don't see any possibility.
Today i spoke to the equivalent half of her. Or more or less the person who bears the same initials. She gave me a blessing to go for it. Saying that this girl that i'm after sounds like the nicest sweetest girl to go for. You know who you are ah....
Well seems to be that i better sleep soon. Since tommorow i've work and I need to be up at 7 to eat, change and do what not crapnitz before going to work.
Gotta go prepare my work clothes.
Sigh more gold 90 in the morning. Guess i'm going to be feeling down in the dumps by the end of the week. With nothing but sax class with Mr Rufus to get me brightened. IF only life could be better...
I wish that Radio stations did'nt remember Valentines day...sigh...makes me feel very sad deep down.
1/30/2007 10:26:00 pm
Sunday, January 28, 2007The day before
So its Sunday morning. Another run for the gun and the day before i go to work for the first time in my new job. Its so exciting ain't it?
Well it's not like i've not worked anywhere before but for all i can say...I've never had the liberty of working in an office. Especially not an MNC. Whew man....
My arms are aching i think i overstretched myself by trying to carry the Baritone sax. Without a strap..man..i feel the effects two days after?
Ah well i've got nothing much to say now. I'm going to kill time till 5.15am. Call Joven, wake him up. Change and start dad's car. Then head down to church.
1/28/2007 04:42:00 am
Thursday, January 25, 2007As i walked home
I've recently taken a liking the radio. I heard this on gold 90.5fm
Smokey Mountain Rain
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I thumbed my way from LA back to Knoxville
I found out those bright lights aint where I belong
From a phone booth in the rain I called to tell her
I've had a change of dreams I'm comin' home
But tears filled my eyes when I found out she was gone
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain
I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
I waved a diesel down outside a cafe'
He said that he was goin' as far as Gatlinburg
I climbed up in the cab all wet and cold and lonely
I wiped my eyes and told him about her
I've got to find her!
Can you make these big wheels burn?
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
I can't blame her for lettin' go
A woman needs someone warm to hold
I feel the rain runnin' down my face
I'll find her no matter what it takes!
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain
I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
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As i heard this song i felt a funny sensation. It make me feel warm inside. This song seems to be full of meaning. As I listened on, my mind jumped to her. This song is both sad because it is about a lover who has lost his other half and is willing to do anything to find her. How sad he felt, somehow it makes me feel sad too.
O well anyway. I've got myself a real job. Thanks Che Che! I'm working in Schroders. Yay. Today i'll go to meet the HR and settle my job details. Monday is my first day on the job. I can't wait!!
Valentine's day is coming and it seems my plans have fallen short. Or maybe its because i've got no guts to ask her out. Everytime i talk to her i have a mind full of ideas but my lips don't say what i want it to say. How short on time she is makes me feel very sad because i have a feeling it'll never work out. Its best i try to stay focused on other things. With this job I'm going to keep myself busy and i'll not even have to think about her till i see her.
Talking to her brings a sense of elation. An hour out or so with her gives a feeling of ectastic proportions( not that way you sick fags ). If i'm going to wait for her I'll have to wait a long time. How do i know she would'nt have found someone else? Or if i found someone else by then? Affairs of the heart sigh. Another problem of life is to feel that you're needed by another half. We're social creatures arn't we? Sigh. Stay busy, stay focused. Practice, Practice, Practice. Don't let your mind have time to float to the things that hurt you.
For the TONE!
1/25/2007 01:01:00 am
Tuesday, January 16, 2007Back to school?
Or so it seems i thought i graduated but its apparently not so. It turns out i'm going back to school everyday. Why people would wonder. Its just really odd even to me.
Well the past few days haven't been alot. Apart from incidents on Sunday not to be talked about, the only thing that's changed is that i'm going to take up graded exams for sax and possibly flute. Grade 4 for sax first though then i can take the jazz grades.
Apart from more under the table work theres nothing much new around here. My article according to Mr P he says its a flop, Mdm K feels its perfectly ok and Rachel still hasn't replied to whether she's going to review my work. O well. I've got to stay frosty. Sis told me i might get a job at Schroders as an IT Spec. Hopefully i do then i'm out of marking work instead.
Every week drags on for hours on end. The same old things i used to do are getting boring. My lip is sore from practicing the sax so much. I've tried practicing the flute but its painful since my lips are sore. I'm sick of the PC. I'm ultimately sick with something which every person experiances once or twice or maybe a few times in their life.
The fear of losing something or never getting it, is a strong one. It seriously is. I'm feeling the pinch. Sigh. I'm meeting Kev for lunch in the afternoon at high noon. I'm going to try and finish my work then i can get my next pay roll. I wanna sleep but the nights are getting sleepless.
Blast the way things have to be. Blast the schedules of life. Blast the demands of the world. Blast the society with all its standards.
Bleah...sleep good...
1/16/2007 11:59:00 pm
Wednesday, January 10, 2007An update? Where?!
Well so life goes on. On Monday i went to meet Kevin for Lunch at TP, met CJ there as well, looking for printer ink. Kevin and I talked some stuff over about the future of SAF and other undisclosable matters. We talked about our social lives and the works. We headed down to church because i needed to get some stuff to transpose and send out. I got the scores and deciding it was too balmy we sat at the church front area for a long chat that lasted an hour.
I needed to head down to school to get my Eagles Award and so I did. I went down to get the blasted thing for which i had waited 7 days to collect because if so much misfortune during the previous week. After collecting I stayed around to help Madam Kavitha abit. She got me to do a little bit of marking for her and brainstorm ideas for the new English Program. She's wanted to pay me for the work i've done but i refuse payment because i want it from an official payroll so as to declare officially that i've worked somewhere.
I went home to finish the marking, practice my flute piece which i forgot what it was called. Its a solo arranged piece which is quite technically challanging but i enjoy playing. I tried to finish the marking but the call for abit of enjoyment in the day got the better. After marking 18 scripts i resigned to a game of Max Payne 2 and went to bed afterwards.
I had a strange dream that night. The last thing i remember when i woke up is that in my dream someone told me it was 7.15am. How odd it was because when I woke up it was 9.45am. I went out and asked Gaya what time it was. Then i said O...I thought it was 7.15 and went to brush my teeth and change.In the mean time i finished the script marking, I listened to Carlson's ranting about Singnet and its crappy CS. Then i went to meet Wee Yang for Lunch at J8. Talked abit and went down to school to hand in the scripts. We talked to a few teachers and stuff but pretty much there was nothing to see. I went home to get my Sax and Wee Yang went home. When i reached home, i went in and pulled out my sax and practiced abit. In 10 minutes the fridge arrived. It was a hectic 30 mins trying to get the thing up the stairs with the neighbour's clutter in the stairwell. No harm intended though. As soon as the fridge was up the stairs i looked at the clock and went "crap i'm late" mentally. I grabbed my sax and made off at a fast pace to the bus stop which the bus came in 5 mins. As I arrived i saw Su Qi arriving and walking into the school. I hurried on and caught up with her. We signed in our passes and went up to the band room. Yong Hui and Lukman were upstairs setting up the chairs and stands. I set up my sax but went to get the Band's Selmer sax and borrowed the leather ligature so i sound more like the other saxophonists using leather ligatures in the band. I sat down to practice abit, do some toning and look through the scores. I like my tone and its comparable to the other saxophonists but i notice they can't do any good expressions. Li Ting and Susan still need more time. But Susan has gotten quite good with the sax. Good tone just lacking expression.
At 3.30 the whole band started arriving from class and lunch. They went to fall in and i spectated the proceedings. I'm sad to say we're dwindling i hope we get more recruits. After Fall in , the band went to set up their instruments. We spent a good hour tuning because....we had no tuners. We spent an hour or so tuning to the percussions. Rather a sad waste of time. We started with an unfamiliar piece. El Binbo. Which we're doing for Saturday. I love the sax part and the second we started playing I felt part of the big picture again. That old familiar feeling of being part of a family. To be with musicians of the same instrumentation. How good it feels to be part of the whole family again and not a soloist. Once you've had enough soloing you just want to be part of the family again. I'm not perfect in my counting but i enjoyed myself enough to forget all my problems and worries for a day. We ended quite late and the guard was starting to complain.
I stayed around to chat with Su Qi, Fhaizmel, Lukman , Emily and Serene. When i look at my juniors i have a sad thought in my head. How many of them will go on to continue their music studies? Its a sad thought because few who pass through the band do. Either a false interest or the lack of money to buy an instrument. Its a sad prospect.
Today. I went to get the photographs developed, practiced the pieces for band, replaced the tuner batteries and went to school for the SC meeting. Today's meeting was a sad one complete with tears and angry remarks. The sacking took 3 people off. Theresa, Estelle and Wen Bin. For Theresa and Estelle i don't kno what to say. To Wen Bin i'm sorry that you had to go. You don't deserve to be sacked but because of the made decision I'm sorry that theres nothing i can do for you. To those that left by your own will. You should be damn well ashamed of yourselves. You had the chance to improve but you rather step out and forget all your problems. What a damn shame yall are. I know some of you have the talent but you should not quit just because you feel people don't want you around.
I'm just shocked at the kind of behaviour i saw at todays meeting for some. For others i'm impressed at your spirit and support. It makes me feel proud to be your senior.
I've currently got no plans for the morning. Apart from getting the printer ink and getting my former publications details i'm quite free. Then i've got band in the afternoon at 3.30. I'll be down early to practice. I'm going to try and complete my article by friday and send it in to SPH by friday night. I'm going to see how much of my old publications things can still be gotten.
This is a long entry which i don't expect people to read anyway. Since my blog is a ghost town. I'm pretty much to myself here so its a place where memories go to live forever in the space of the cybernetic world. Whenever i look back at the posts of earlier years it makes me wonder how much i've changed.
Had our choices been made for us because of who we are?
All i know is that i've finally got something to keep myself busy with and I can finially get my mind into action. Now the old ghosts don't come back to haunt me so often. Especially the thought of her which plagues my every free moment. Its all about keeping busy. Huzzah!
1/10/2007 11:02:00 pm
Sunday, January 07, 2007Up early and feeling achy...
Why do i torture myself by waking up extra early on a sunday morning? Most people tell me why don't i just lie in abit longer?
Its because performance matters. If i woke up and went to church groggy, my playing would be that way too. Sigh Boredom.....
Theres not been much to do around the house. Well apart for the fact that nearly everything in this house is breaking down it makes a complete mess of things. First the fridge died, then the DVD player, the phone and then the air conditioners. What next? The latrine?
The fridge IS pretty much dead as it is and we had to ship alot of our foodstuff over to Che Che's place. She claimed her fridge was magical because when she left the house it was empty :X. When she got back it was full ahha.
Dad's gotten a corded phone which is one of dumbest things to be done here. His excuse....is that we all have handphones....well good sir who is my father...not meaning to be rude but don't handphone bills cost alot more?
Soon i'd be suprised we've gotten a budget Fridge and DVD player to boot. Blimey we rather be living in a slum....*eye roll*.
I've gone to help out at the school recently, helped the TA do up some PC's, help around the place. I envy those people who've got to study....I hate having no goal...I need a goal that's logical..I wish poly could have started 3 months early too. I'm jealous of them getting to study first, who's ever heard of a person that wanted to be back in school....I'm getting stoned by the holidays and i want to be back in the feel. Get my brain filled with stuff instead of fluff. If it mattered i might drop the idea of working at all. I think i should concentrate on my music studies then i can take an exam and get an exclusive job as a lounge musician. Well this is a just a rotter aint it? Money now or money later....
Alright time to start warm ups....its nearly time to act.
1/07/2007 05:44:00 am
Wednesday, January 03, 2007A start for all things new
So 2007 is here. The kid's are going back to school today, she's off to school too...damn...o well anyway :X.
My flute is coming today and i have a reason to smile. I finished scoring Joven's Giga. In just 3 hours! I got a new mouthpiece patch for my sax, i've done B and G minor scales together with D and Bb major yesterday. So far I've memorized C,G,F,D and Bb major together with the relevant minor scales of A,E,D,B and G minor as well as the pentatonics for each scale. I've run through the various blues scales of those scales. How interesting yeah? Minor Pentatonic starts with a different tonic which is 3 semitones below the major pentatonic tonic and the blues scale is the minor pentatonic with a diminished 5th. This is all getting so fun.
Sigh.....I'm going back to see the councillors today. I can't think of what to say to them especially those who thought i walked out on them the day i fell out with the other exco of 2005/2006.
Irregardless i need to go back and see some teachers. Especially Mdm Kavitha. Then i've got some scores to settle as well as some debts....Afiq is going to pay thru the ass.
I'll try to stay around till recess and then head on home. I'll try to finish scoring if not i'll go play a game. I'll go down to Cityhall around 4.45. I shoud arrive by 5.20 the latest. Then i can go test out my "new" flute for the first time after repairs. ....
Now is the part i think in my own head how sad i actually am...They have a point, there might not be time for the two of us to ever work out. But if i gave up now I've given up on a years work of friendship. I'll carry on. Damn the consequences. I will peservere. If only she knew how i felt....sigh...there comes a time in every boy's life in teenagehood where he wonders whether if he would ever find the right one...
I'm off now..no use sticking around. Old ghosts will just come back to haunt me. I'll probably blog again tommorow if i feel like it.
1/03/2007 12:23:00 am
Monday, January 01, 2007Reflections of a 16 year old
To take things easy
To stop and enjoy the things you have in life
Having friends as close as brothers
To inspire the younger generations
To be a light for the rest of the world
To be all that i can be
To have the will to go on when everyone else dosen't
To be a better catholic
To be less vulgar
To understand the finer things in life
So the start of 2007. A new chapter in my life. Whether new characters will enter as my side kicks or as cast addition who knows. Life is like a movie of yourself. One day in heaven your life will play before you like a silent film. All the things you did, all the things you said(maybe not since it's silent), the times you overeacted, the times you lost your trust in faith, your deepest most saddest moments. Your happiest moments shared in the company of friends or family.
One of the worst moves of 2006 will never play again in 2007. To procrastinate and waste time. I will work hard for my first year at poly when it comes. I will show the world that I EWC. Benjamin Toh can make it in the ghastly world. In the grotty little island called Stresserpore. Before i serve my NS and haul my butt out of this forsaken land. Where the land is green, the tax is high and the biggest gits are in white. (Those who know stresserpore is really a real country you know what i'm refering too, this is to avoid those nosy government agents who are looking for a chance to pin crimes on citizens against the government)
God thou has helpt me in my prayers and you have answered me. I will lead my fellow catholics in the faith in all the ways possible and I will lead my juniors to be good catholics in the making and my non catholic friends to be model citizens of the country we were born to call home. When i prayed for intervention and a chance you gave me one. You left it to me your hand on earth to do it. I feel sorry for not earlier taking action.
She was right there infront of me but the words lost me. I don't know if i ever will get another chance but god help me i hope and pray there is. Now is not the time i know but i have to build the foundation now. She probably dosen't even know how i pray she does know and accepted it in her own quiet way. At the funniest and oddest time you gave me a chance but when it was most difficult. A time of trials, tests and obstacles. A man dosen't deserve to be alone in any part of his life. Whether his parents , his friends or girlfriend. I thank god for the chances he have giveth me.
I make no sense do I? Poetic injustice so sue me.
Stresserpore, the land where grass is green, taxes are high and the biggest gits are in white.